Divorce is a strange critter

I have been divorced twice and left a committed relationship once, and I can tell you that divorce is a strange critter. My first husband became drug dealer and addict and quit coming home. Mississippi has no-fault divorce, and in 30 days or 90 days or something like that, we were free to go. That was after I told him to come and get all his stuff. He didn't come when he was supposed to; so I put all his clothes and other belongings in paper bags outside the door of my (formerly our) apartment. Eventually, he showed up, after the apartment manager contacted his boss, in his semi and stuffed all the sacks into the side compartment. Later he claimed that the side compartment came open, and his stuff left a popcorn trail along the highway somewhere in Oklahoma. At least, he thought that was what happened.

My second husband and I went through some rigorous pre-marital counseling sessions wherein he agreed that someday we would make the decision about whether or not my mother would live with us, and we examined the likelihood that I would continue to gain weight. After six months he threatened to leave me. I asked him where he was going - no good answer; so he stayed. This happened on a regular basis: he would decide to leave, I'd ask where he was going, he'd decide to stay. In between we had lots of fun together and went lots of places that neither of us would have gone alone. Finally, he stated firmly that he was leaving. I told him he couldn't leave without me (we were living with my mother and that was not good). So, we took off together to find a place where we could get jobs. We settled in North Carolina, and things went well for six months.

Mother was seriously ill, and I'm an only child with a severe guilt complex. So, I galloped down to Mississippi to stay with her. She didn't get better, and the decision about her living with us was a reality. He said okay. I found a house. We all moved in. I had part-time work; he was a teacher in high school. Then, I wrecked the car; he bought a clunker. He began spending late afternoons and Saturdays doing school things. He fell in love with the teacher across the hall. Finally, he said he wanted a divorce. I cried on his shoulder; I had no one else. Shortly, thereafter, I was fixing a problem with his computer and found his love letters to this teacher. We divorced. He paid no alimony, none of his tiny pension fund, but we divided the debts evenly. And, I paid for the lawyer in the settlement. I refused to pay for the divorce, and he finally filed a year or so later. So, we were divorced.

Then, he told me that he had married me because he thought he couldn't find anything better. That's a real confidence builder! No wonder his family hated me.

Okay, so far, everyone relationship I've had ended with the person leaving me. I've never left anyone. Over the years of relationships, I've lost two cars, many friends, a lot of money, and been left hanging out to dry. So, then I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I love her, but living together becomes more and more hazardous to our health. Feelings of aloneness and desperation at not being able to enjoy similar things make us feel as if we are walking on eggs all the time. Something precious was underfoot - those wonderful blown eggs that have been decorated in intricate designs - that's what we walking on - and they're being destroyed. We have counseling for two years. Improvement - regression. Both of us got tired.

Someone came along who loved me long ago and who claimed to still love me. I seized the feeling to give me impetus to leave. Here was the love, the caring, the white knight who would save me. And, I felt swept up in the feelings of long ago mixed with the need to love and be loved in the now. So, I called it quits, packed up and left. The haggling over property began, and, with each step I took in the new relationship, the haggling became worse. I hastened the process. I came with nothing to the old relationship, and I took away a small sum of money, in relative terms to possessions held jointly. I had been supported and indulged for 11 years.

Being the one to leave was not easy. Love dies a hard death, even when new love is springing forth. My desire for a natural death (one of the legal papers to change) wavered towards self-destruction several times. A sense of meaninglessness overwhelmed me. Separating and packing took much longer than I had thought possible - how intertwined and interdependent we had become. I left a lot of "stuff"; I tried to leave the  house without much obvious change except my presence and my empty studio. My energy failed and someone was hired to haul my stuff to storage.

Holidays came. My best friend and my former partner were now big buddies and spent Thanksgiving together. My best friend no longer answers my phone calls or emails. Online buddies "defriended" me as they heard how awful I had been and misconstrued some comments. Why I even took my partner's old Christmas stockings! NOT. What on earth would I do with them?

I have come to the conclusion that being left by a partner and leaving a partner bring the same pain, grieving and loss. I'm looking forward to some sunshine, and I pray, if this relationship ends, that I die first.

The Good, Bad and Ugly

Here's humanity at its best, at its worst, and at its craziest.

The Good and Crazy: This is sharecropper and humbug who were married on her birthday a couple of weeks ago. Local friends were invited for a party that became a wedding. The food was good, the company laughed a lot, dress was casual, and we all had a lot of fun.

Humbug and I met 53 years ago in Bermuda. When my Dad was transferred two years later, his father (who shared the building with the post office) destroyed all correspondence between the two of us. Each thought the other had deserted.

When his wife died early this year after a long illness, he began searching for me to apologize (His brother told him what father had done.). I was looking for someone who deserved an apology for me. We were both looking on MyLife. I saw a tab that said, "Who's looking for you", and laughingly clicked on it. His name was at the top. I quickly switched to FaceBook and checked out his profile. Everything fit, and he had left a message for me. So, I wrote him. And, he wrote back.

 

 The Ugly: I was still in a relationship at this time. We had been in couples counseling for two years - doing better, then falling backwards, sometimes farther back than we had been. I was two steps ahead of the counselor who was two steps ahead of my partner. I knew the relationship was over and had planned how I might be able to leave (alone, I am a bag lady), but I had done nothing. After I began emailing with humbug, I asked for a separation. Then I met humbug halfway between our homes.

The Crazy: When we met, we looked at each other for a few moments, he opened his arms, I stepped into them and laid my head on his chest, and I felt as if I had come home. I had kept all his drawings, his notes, the diary, his photos. He had kept me in his heart.

The Ugly again: I went home and told my partner that our relationship was over and asked her to release me from my vows. She did. I began to pack. I asked humbug to come and help me. He did. 

Long story shortened. In less than three months, I was out of one relationship and into another. Moved...well, almost all of it. Shifted my bisexual orientation from female to male. Asked for part of the joint properties that my partner and I had owned, been granted some of what I asked for in money and all of what I asked for in "stuff". My partner was stunned, shocked, embittered, grieved, angry and all of those things you would expect...and with reason. As I said before, I was at least four steps ahead of her in ending the relationship anyway. I regret that I could not have taken it slower and been more kindly.

Now, I live in a retirement community in a state I said I would never live in again, married to a man I never expected to see again, and I am happy. For now, the empty holes in me that I tried to fill with things and spending seem to be gone.

Honesty is What God is About

"is" - being. Honesty - faithfulness - confession. God/de, higher power, still small voice. About - not inside - doing.

Okay, let's get to the meat of this. I made a promise. I broke that promise on an impulse, and I only realized what I'd done three hours later. I was ashamed, guilty, and I could not undo what I had done (we seldom can). Trust is broken. All we can do is go forward in apology, hoping for forgiveness and maybe restoration of trust someday.

Honesty means keeping promises, and, when you don't or can't, you admit you didn't or couldn't and you make amends or apologies or whatever it takes. Sometimes those amends or apologies are accepted; sometimes not.

I think Jesus incarnation may have been one of God's amends. I know, I know, God doesn't make mistakes or break promises. Yeah, right. Tell that one to me again when I've been crushed by some Christian's betrayal or some atheist's broken word - doesn't matter whether they believe or not. If God doesn't make mistakes, then we're not made in God's likeness - and that I believe.

Jesus hedged when Pilate asked if he were king of the Jews - you say that I am. Okay. As ruler of this town, I can say anything I want; that wasn't the question. The question was, "Do you think you are the ruler here?" Jesus never answered directly. What was honest about that?

At the seder supper on Thursday night, Jesus hints that one of the group is going to betray him. Questions abound. Jesus doesn't answer them. "I know something you don't!"

After the meal and probably a lot of wine and heavy food, Jesus wanders off to a lonely garden when it's quiet. We don't know how long he was there, but his followers, or at least the men (the women had to clean up after the meal and get the kids to bed), wander along with him. They slump down and doze off. Who wouldn't want to do that after a fine meal and some good fellowship? Great night to be outside. Where's Jesus? Oh, he's right over there; we can see him from here. ZZZZZZ Heads dropped over on their chests and some of them probably stretched out amongst the olive tree roots. So, what is Jesus doing? Jesus is begging off from what the result of what he's created in the past three years.

Yeah, God, I went around and told everybody that I was your Son. I saw the sun come through the cloud and I heard you say, "You are my Beloved". And, all those miracles I did. That's what you wanted, wasn't it. Now it's come to this. One of these dudes who has been following me around and taking care of the money has decided the grass is greener on the other side; so he's bringing the guard here to arrest me tonight. And, I don't like the thought of what's going to happen. So, hey, how about renegotiating this deal we have. I won't do anymore miracles, and I'll quit saying I'm the Son of God. I'll even move away so they will forget me. I really don't want to die this young. That hurts.

God didn't answer. Jesus was arrested and died on the cross as a common criminal.

I guess you're wondering how I surmise that Jesus was God's amends, huh? Incarnation. Jesus refuted a lot of the harsh and unkeepable laws of the Jews. Jesus set up two major laws, Love God, Love Your Neighbor. Pretty simple. Do that and you will be forgiven. Yep. Simple. Don't really even have to ask forgiven of what - forgiven of whatever you think you need to be forgiven. And, if you Love God and Love Your Neighbor the rest of life will turn out pretty god. No dying on the cross for you.

God said, "Okay, okay. These laws don't apply any longer - just be sure you cook the stuff properly. And, remember that loving means you don't steal or lie or any of those things - you're honest."

So, we do it for a while - we love, we give, we reflect, we don't lie, we keep our promises,....then one day, we forget. We get caught up in some hole in our psyche and we lie, or we steal, or we break our promises, or we just don't give a darn. We're human; we're not God. Now what?

I guess that what making amends is all about for us - turn around from the lie, from the theft, from the apathy. Remember to Love God and Love Your Neighbor. Eventually, your sin is left behind. Honesty - tell the truth about what you do - right and wrong. Keep it simple.

Hey! God! Hey! You, the Creator! Jesus was a good incarnation, but don't you think it's time you did it again?

Gifts and the Gifted

Most of you know that I work in a yarn store. Many of our patrons and students are involved in charitable works, and I support them as best I can. One such is the Shoe Box Project - decorate a shoe box and fill it with things that someone in need can use - school supplies, toiletries, other goodies. So, I gave them a little donation the other day to help with back-to-school stuff. And, today, Tye came to the shop with a Thank You present for me - a shoe box for me to give to someone.

It's beautiful with a little stuffed animal tied on top. I almost cried.

I who have so much - gifted with something for giving.

Love is that way. The gift that multiplies as we give it away.

PS- I called my godson today. He's been clean and sober now for five months. Thanks be to God.