I credit Eileen the Episcopalifem

Eileen is the Moon however

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

superbowl commercials

I don't watch much sports, but I did enjoy listening to the superbowl yesterday. And, I've picked my two favorite commercials

and

What's mine is mine! What's yours may be mine, too.

Check out this short paragraph that Lindy picked up from someone else. It hits home with me. I just bought a bright red luggage tag for my knitting bag. It has only one word mine! Aaarrrggghhh.

And today a friend told me about Koinonia Farm in South Georgia - amazing story - check it out on their website. They helped found Habitat for Humanity...and are still doing wonderful things.

Changes on the blog

I've found labels to be so handy when viewing other blogs that I've decided to add them to mine. And, I will go back and add them to previous posts as I have time.

Also, I've added links to places where you can click to give help breast cancer, literacy, hunger, and animal rescue without it costing you anything more than clicking on icon on that site. These are all linked on one website; so you can click on any icon and get to the website that has them all.

My goal with the blog is to have a mix of knitting, theology, memes, and personal stuff like depression, remodeling, etc. (not sure those two were very different, LOL).

knitting stuff

Went to a new shop today and found some interesting display ideas and lots more open space than we have at the shop where I work - but lots less yarn...and everything, almost, was on sale. Here's a picture of the stuff I bought today as well as some stuff that's hanging around my workroom.






And, here's the finished red cable scarf before it is blocked.


























And here's D's soft lavender scarf which is still packed in the box to be shipped - same place it's been all week. And, listen, kiddo, if you don't like it, you can't send it back - give it to someone else, okay. I have way too much stuff in this office.





So, yes to all to who have asked. I'm feeling much better, getting over a several day headache, running a humidifier and air cleaner and doing hot compresses and cold packs and pain killers, and..... well, you get the idea. But, basically, I'm good. Looking forward to a pretty day tomorrow when I have no responsibilities.

Southern dialect

Ah, Juanuchis, why'd ya hafta get me started on this? I know I talk Southern, but I thot it was only when I's tired. Now I discover

81% (Dixie). Did you have any Confederate ancestors?


And, yes, I did have Confederate ancestors, enough so that I could join the - what is it? - Daughters of the Confederacy. My uncle actually is a member of the men's form of that organization, and he has a framed picture and write-up about one of our most direct ancestors. Give me a break!

A Rebel at heart - maybe that explains my life. LOL

Shadow Syndromes

Now that I'm about over this bout of depression - still a bit down at night, I read an article that I think came from Nina at Dancing Through Doorways. John J. Ratey teaches and researches in psychiatry at Harvard, and his article and book, Shadow Syndromes: People with Mild Forms of Serious Disorders, is reviewed here. As a result of new developments with echo planar magnetic resonance imaging (what a mouthful), researchers can watch the "mind boggle". I suddenly have a picture of all these lettered dice being jumbled around inside my skull while someone watches and tries to predict how they will land.
An MRI image
Anyway, the conclusions drawn so far indicate that when we change the chemical action in one part of the brain, other parts of the brain are affected also. And, sometimes the changes in the other parts of the brain return to change the area being medicated. For instance, he says, Prozac immediately raises the serotonin levels in the brain, but several weeks may pass before the depression lifts. So something else is happening here.

He says that timing and the geography of the brain and what he called recursivity (the feedback to the original change) are being investigated. He mentions that the biology of our brains are not fixed at birth; the brain responds to environment, for instance, traumatic incidences can "cause" post traumatic stress syndrome. We acquire dents and scrapes along the way even if we don't acquire such traumatic scars.

Lately, however, neuropsychiatry is discovering that genetics, brain structure and biochemistry heavily influences those mental/emotional diagnoses found in DSM IV. And, the thinking is that we really can have a touch of schizophrenia or bipolar or obessive-compulsive disorder without being much out of the ordinary (if you can define ordinary).

So, I presume it's like having a slight cold. The virus is there, but it's not affecting you much. So, I might have a touch of bipolar syndrome to go along with my ambient anxiety and together they may manifest themselves as depression. Or the depression and the panic may manifest as manic. Or some of one at one time and some of the other at another time or various stages in between. Not a very far out idea. We look at ourselves as being somewhere along a spectrum in many behaviors, beliefs, and choices, from insane liberal to middle of the road to insane conservative. And, each of us fits in different places along that particular spectrum at different times. And beliefs affect politics and politics affect compassion and ....

So, environment does shape heredity in that the environment (say a traumatic incident, and I've had a number of those) can affect brain chemistry in one area that filters through to other areas and eventually changes the functioning in the brain. Age, apparently can do the same.

No one is normal. There is no Jane Doe against which to compare ourselves. There may be a median or a mean or even an average on some spectrum of behavior or function of the brain, but nothing that even remotely qualifies as normal (and I challenge you to define either normal or ordinary). Ha!

I'm sitting here using the back of the Yale Alumni Magazine as a mouse pad, and the picture on the back cover is Bill Gates and Warren Buffett on a business jet. Gates is laughing and Buffett looks as if he is telling some tall tale with slight upturn of his mouth. He even has laugh lines. But, I'm wondering where does each fit on the spectrum of schizophrenia, bipolar, OCD? And, if you're not near the mean, median or average, are you at a disadvantage? Or, did being OCD have a positive affect on their financial success and fame?

If we give up or medicate away our end-of-the-spectrum behaviors, how will it affect our creativity, endurance, persistence? How much medicine is enough, and how much is too much? Too many new medicines on the market haven't seen long-term testing. And, I'm taking some of them...a number of them. I'm taking medicine that affects my serotonin levels, my dopamine levels, and whatever that is in panic disorder. I use area specific steroids to help my breathing. How are they interacting? I strongly suspect that no one knows. Drug manufacturers test for trace chemicals in urine and blood, but what about how those trace levels that stuck in my brain are combining to form a different me.

The question I used to ask my therapist is, "But, will I like the new me?" Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I don't. And, I still throw tantrums, jump for joy, get fed up with stuff and dislike secrecy....among other traits along some of those brain spectra.

We thought I might have sleep apnea until we realized that A: I was taking two medicines together that make me sleepy and tired in the daytime, and B: the cats were walking all over me at night and waking me up. So, I changed the medication times and kicked the cats off me; now I'm doing well, thank you.

Still, the depression kicks in sometimes. Therapy helps. Medicine must be continued even though I don't want to take anything. Music helps. Activity helps. "Acting as if..." helps. "Pretend you're happy when you're blue...."

And, all of it may be some complicated recursivity from taking my medicines at the wrong time, or the synchronicity of memory triggers and dopamine/serotonin levels, or the alignment of the stars.

That's it. I'm going for the alignment of the stars - and my stars are more in alignment now! Thanks be to God.

Depression update

Slowly passing depressing with occasional bouts of laughter and joy. Daytimes better. Finding out that our renovation is going to cost even less than we had thought is great. Found some bright colored jeans at Wal-Mart for $13 or $17. I can wear them to work. Ate lunch with partner. Got a good haircut. Found a wonderful new snack - Wild Things Crunch cereal from Kellogg's - had a picture of panda on the front so I had to buy it. LOL. And, it's only 100 calories for 3/4 cup with some fiber - crunches so good.

My cable scarf is coming along nicely. I will have to get one more skein of yarn tomorrow because I'm running out, but I am so thrilled with it. And, I made more yellow squigglies from the sleeves of the yellow sweater. I balled some of it, but I put the ends and bits in a blue pottery bowl and it's so pretty.

Life is good. Tonight may be not so good, but basically, everything is getting better. This, too, shall pass.

thanks for all the prayers and hugs.

Depression Snuck Up On Me

When I wasn't paying attention, depression snuck up on me. Yesterday (Thursday) I bottomed out with apathy, lethargy, crying, no appetite (something's really wrong with me when that happens), and anger. I wanted to not be. Being was painful - life hurt. And, no, nothing drastic has happened in my world. Everything seems to be flowing along smoothly, except me.

I do have cyclic depression that seems to occur regardless of the medication I take. My new psychiatrist started me on Lamictal during a recent bout of short term cycling. And, that helped.

I've felt this one creeping up on me. Several days ago, I said to my partner, "I feel like I'm getting sick." Well, I was right, only it wasn't a cold. It was depression.

While I know that many times, this depression cycles itself right back out the door it came in, I decided I had to "do" something to alleviate it. So, I got dressed and went to Weight Watchers - gained two pounds. No big deal. i lost two last week. So, I'm pretty stable.

Partner, friend and I decided something to eat might help me. We left the meeting and went next door. Before we got next door, I burst out crying. Partner put her arms around my shoulders while I cried. I sniveled a few more times, and we proceeded to eat. The food was okay - I usually love it, always order the same thing.

Called my therapist. She had a cancellation. Had to kill time. Went to thrift shop. Then went to the yarn shop where I work and helped the owner unpack and price an order that had just come in.

Therapist helped. We looked at what had been going on with me emotionally for the past few weeks (not involving the move) and various relationships I have and my anger, irritation, bafflement, resentment, ... you know, all those things you don't want to admit that you have but seem to come pouring out of your mouth when you feel in a safe place with a safe person. Brimming full of it and spilling over. Heard her say that maybe what I was feeling about others was really what I was feeling/seeing/believing about myself. Took a good look at self. Not pretty. Good looking hat, but the inside was rotting. Set another appointment soon.

Came home. Talked with partner about issues. We use the "talking ball" to help us through tough discussions. When I am holding the ball, I get to talk until I am through. Then I give the ball to her and she gets to talk until she is through. And, back and forth until we can leave the ball still between us and be silent or discuss solutions.

Made some very interesting discoveries. Like, what I thought she was thinking as not what she was thinking at all. Amazing. I couldn't read her mind. Nor could she read mine. Probably a good thing both ways. But, I really need to stop projecting what I think she is thinking or feeling and check it out with her - and vice versa.

Also discovered that we think differently. Some of the ideas I discussed were so foreign to her that she looked at me in bafflement. Like finding pleasure in things. For her "things" are mostly utilitarian. She finds pleasure in doing and in being with others. And, oh yes, did I mention that we both have control and abandonment issues? LOL

And, I am/was having problems with other relationships like my godchildren. I just don't want to talk with any of them any more. I can't resolve their problems, and I just don't want to hear about it right now. Later, much later. So, I play passive in the passive/aggressive game - no, I didn't get your message. I don't know where my cell phone is. When did you call? Oh, dear. That's a lie. I saw who was calling and hit the silent button because I just couldn't talk right then. And, later, I forgot or maybe I still didn't feel like talking.

And, I'm tired of putting away things. Fortunately, most of the boxes are gone and we can open all the outside doors but one. It still has empty boxes leaning against it. All the packing boxes and paper are going to be listed on FreeCycle next week. Gone to someone or to the recycling place.

And, if it ever gets warm enough, I'm going to the garage and put away the Christmas decorations...etc.

Okay. So last night I slept in exhaustion. I haven't done too much today - a few loads of laundry - have about four more to go what with the bedding and towels. Can't wash much with a king-size mattress pad.

So that's where I am. I still have little appetite. I've been knitting, and, so far this evening, I've knitted six rows and taken out nine or so. It's still not right; so I quit and came in here to gripe about it all.

The cat is whining, my stomach is churning. I feel like I want to throw up and get it all out of my system. Not just the food, but all the bad stuff inside me. Just throw up and flush it away. Gone. At least for a while.

And, yes, I talked with my psychiatrist today. She doesn't know me well because I don't trust her. So, that discussion was pointless but probably cost me money. Continuing on the same medication as before.

And, I feel like a paving roller has flattened me into the road. I want some loud music and driving. On the other hand, it's cold outside and I haven't bothered to dress today; so I'd have to work to make that happen. And, what would my driving be like? Probably not so safe.

Bleah! I know tomorrow will be better, but this is just blasted miserable right now. Like the two people in prison looking out the bars into the night sky; one saw the mud and the other the stars. I'm the one looking at the mud and bars right now. Just need to tilt my head up a bit. But, that will come. More than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning (Psalm 130).

What privileges are yours?

On Privilege

I found this interesting meme at Missy's Big Fish Stories. From What Privileges Do You Have?, based on an exercise about class and privilege developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate in this blog game, they ask that you PLEASE acknowledge their copyright.

Bold the true statements.

1. Father went to college.

2. Father finished college.

3. Mother went to college.

4. Mother finished college.

5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.

6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.

7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.

8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.

9. Were read children's books by a parent.

10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18.

11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18.

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.

13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.

14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs.

15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs.

16. Went to a private high school.

17. Went to summer camp.

18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18.

19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels.

20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18.

21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them.

22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.

23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.

24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home.

25. You had your own room as a child.

26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18.

27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course.

28. Had your own TV in your room in high school.

29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college.

30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16.

31. Went on a cruise with your family.

32. Went on more than one cruise with your family.

33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.

34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family.

What opportunities did you have growing up?

What's not included in this is privilege resulting from race, gender, sexual orientation, even wealth later in life. I came from a relatively poor background, but I have many privileges. The first one in the South, still today, is that I am white. The second is that I speak English and do it well. The third is that I have learned not to be submissive. The fourth is that I am "churched"; I have an automatic support system for most problems. The fifth is that I belong to a 12-step group; I have an automatic support system of people experienced in almost any problem I encounter. These are not only blessings but privileges not open to everyone. Churches reject. 12-step groups are not available everywhere at times when the people are in need...even though they try.

And, I can read, understand metaphor, look back at history and how we are relating the same manner or not, make financial judgments that aren't based on where the handouts are available.

Thanks, Missy. I know blessings and I know privileges, and I have both.

My "off" day

"Off" - well, I've always been off a little bit - sometimes more than others. But, today is a day without any plans. I am off from work, off from obligations, off from appointments, off from most responsibilities.

However, since the laundry is now stacked over my head, not only clothes, but mattress covers, towels, blankets, sheets, and lots of clothes, I think I'll do some laundry. I'll sort it in the guest room so that I don't have to finish it today. I think tomorrow is an "off" day as well. LOL

Grandchildren are undoubtedly a blessing, but I'm grateful today that I don't have any - no children either, just Godchildren, and they all seem to be busy with their own lives lately. I would be thinking up things for the grandchildren and I to do together if I had any. And, I don't want to think. I don't want to be busy and out and about. I just want to be home.

What a blessing it is to have a home. I've been concerned lately about our homeless folk. I saw two police cars stopped on the by-pass (now a limited access road through our town) with two people and a shopping cart. The cart was almost empty; the people were shivering. I was on the other side of the median and when I turned around they were all gone, including the shopping cart. Perhaps these two people were homeless and sheltering in the small patch of woods alongside the by-pass. Perhaps the police had merely cautioned them about fires after checking their IDs (and I hope they had them). I would like to think that the police offered them a ride to the nearest shelter and the protection from the cold that offered. I pray that they find a way "home".

Meme

Stolen from shannon

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car): Fluffy Prius
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (fave ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Vanilla Crocs
3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal): Red Panda
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born): Ann Clarksdale
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first three letters of your last name, first two of your first name): orema
6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Coke
7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers): Mike Waymon
8. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Amber Joy
9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your fifth grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Eason Easton
10. SPY NAME (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Winter Pansy
11. CARTOON NAME (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Peaches Plaid
12. HIPPIE NAME (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Crunch Cottonwood

What an assortment - and I could live with almost any of them except maybe Peaches Plaid - but what a great name for a country character - and I coulda been one - notice that "coulda". None of you say that I am, okay.

And, Blue Coke is a bit beyond me. Let's see, how could we change that: Sky Coca? Storm .... nah, nothing sounds very good.

I believe that names are very important in our lives; they shape the person we become, and they can certainly affect us during our growing years. As a preteen, I switched to a nickname from my real name, and I kept it until I thought it would sound a bit funny for an ordained person. Of course, I never was ordained in a church; so that was a bust. Now people know me by both nickname and given name.

And, I shed my maiden name with marriage. I liked the way the new name sounded, and that's who I still am even though I was divorced and remarried. I did not take my second husband's name because everyone misspelled it and it didn't sound good. LOL What a reason. I had that name for almost 40 years now, and I still like it.

If I'd been named "Edna", I wouldn't have lived the same life or done the same things. Edna doesn't seem daring enough to me. Of course, with the life I've led, my name should be something like: Daring Sweet Dreamer. Or Changeling Wanderer. Or .... well, you get the idea. One of my friends always prefaces my name with "Sweet", and I objected to it for a long time. Now, I admit it. I'm soft hearted and, unless you catch me tired, hungry, late or angry, I wouldn't say anything that would hurt you intentionally. I can be vicious at bad times.

Titles, also, can change one's bent in life. Assistant instead of Associate, News Editor instead of Assistant Director, Executive Director, Assembler. And, what do you call the people who help you keep house - maid, housekeeper, cleaning people, helpers??? Titles can change your attitude towards people.

And, personally, I think that when we elect a President, we ought to be considering the spouse as well. Think of how influential Nancy Reagan was during the presidency, and Dolley Madison. Does Obama have a spouse? And, Hillary would be a fool, if elected, not to consider the experience of her husband.

Names. In the Bible, God let Adam name the creatures. In older times, the discoverer of something new got to name it. Now the naming is done by associations and committees. Parents decide on babies' names...along with input from everyone who knows them. Seems like in native american culture, the naming was suited to the youngster at an appropriate time - and that didn't always fit either. So, I'm all for choosing your own name and changing it whenever you wish.

Right now, I want to be Strong Wind or Agile Associate - considering that I'm headed for work and will be restocking yarn and stuff - up and down the step stool and ladder and kneeling on the floor.

Y'all have a great day - and if you're digging out of the snow, may your name be Strong Safety.

First Cable Stitch

Now you might not think this is such a big deal, but, let me tell you, I dreaded this process for a long time. Then today, I sat in on a class for learning how to cable stitch. While there, I did two cable stitches, but they were too close together for the scarf to be flat. So I ripped it all out and reknitted just past this first stitch. I am soooo pleased.

Coca-Cola

For Christmas a friend brought me a bottle of Coca-Cola, my favorite drink and logo, that was made in Mexico - made with real sugar, not high fructose corn syrup. Then I discovered that our local Mexican tienda has them. Now, I'm splurging and drinking about 3 per week.

I am so excited. The first few sips were soooo sweet, but then my taste memory kicked in and, "Oh, sweet bliss" - just like the original Coke recipe that I remember from many years ago.

It's like finding the original recipe for my spirituality. Sometimes, I have to go back to the basics, "Jesus loves me this I know". My Mom sang lots of good songs while we were growing up, and most of them were about the ubiquitous presence of God - with us, beside us, pulling for us, being our friend. When I move far from God, I sing some of those songs, and I feel myself being pulled in.

"Let the lower lights be burning, send a gleam across the wave. Some poor fainting, struggling sinner, you may rescue, you may save." And, I can see the lower light as well as the stars - and I have hope and faith and enthusiasm once again. It's my original recipe.

But, back to Coke. Then Friday, I stopped at Trash and Treasures and found a large basket full of Coke "stuff"...bought it, brought it home, unpacked it. Inside was a Coke can phone that works really well, four salad plates with the Coke logo in the middle, a couple of mugs with similar logo, two tiny little lunch boxes, a straw holder, a tin shaped like a Coke truck (the top of the truck cab also comes off), a huge Coke stein. What fun, what fun! Everything has found a home including that wonderful basket that held all of these goodies.

Why do we like such things as Coke logos? It's the real thing. That summarizes my feelings when I see the Coke logo, a created response. Even the right color red will trigger that feeling that the moment, the place, the time, is the real thing - the essence of my life. The wave is motion, and I've always been in motion. So, the Coke logo is, in some ways, a symbol of my life - vital color, flowing motion, excitement, tastes good, savory, peps me up.

And, now that I've had my high fructose, 8 ounce bottle of Coke and my spiritual reflection for the day, I think I'll get a shower and head off for a knitting class on making cable stitch.

May you find your logo!

un-knitting update

Okay, D, I forgot to go to bed. I turned around and there was this yellow thing - so I finished off the back. Then I remembered that you wanted a pix of the gray shawl. So here they are - not good pix - will do better in daylight and sanity.

Yellow remainder




















yellow squigglies



















grey shawl

As I straighten my study

I picked this up from Knitting Novices Yahoo group and have adapted it to fit me:

Craftaholics Anonymous
12 Step Program
Newly Revised to 13 Steps
Original © 2001 by Shirley Thomas @ CraftSayings.com

1. I will not stuff craft supplies in every corner of my house.
2. I will not keep nine projects going at one time.
3. I will not buy more yarn, beads or fabric, even if they are on sale, until I finish the projects I have.
4. I will not let my study/work room look like a junk yard.
5. I will not confiscate the dining table or the sofa for crafts.
6. I will not attend craft (bead, yarn) shows or shops just to pick up more ideas.
7. I will not buy more storage carts for my craft stash.
8. I will not spend all that I make working at the yarn shop before I leave the shop.
9. I will not check every day to see what's available on eBay.
10. I will not stay up half the night crafting.
11. I will not save dryer lint, toilet paper rolls, detergent scoops, old shirts, pretty magazine pages
12. I will not buy every craft magazine I see.
13. See you at the yarn shop (bead show).

Too little blogging that's real

I don't consider memes, jokes, surveys and such as real blogging, but I guess they are. They all reflect a piece of me.

Recently I did a 3 day retreat on Spirituality, personality and change. Today I was putting away the books and materials that I used for that retreat, and I was reading some of the material about my own personality and spiritual type. I'm an ENTJ with a bit of ENFJ hiding in there somewhere. So, I'm a "fieldmarshal" with a bit of "teacher" wrapped in. The great organizer. ha From an early age they can be observed taking command of groups. ha, ha

Now this part seems true: "Fieldmarshals more than any other type desire (and generally have the ability) to visualize where the organization is going, and they seem able to communicate that vision to others." and "They are ever intent on reducing bureaucractic red tape, task redundancy, and aimless confusion... Although Fieldmarshals are tolerant of established procedures, they can and will abandon any procedure when it can be shown to be ineffective in accomplishing the goal."

I follow in the footsteps of Margaret Thatcher, Carl Sagan, George Bernard Shaw, Golda Meir, and (ummmm) Napoleon.

I don't know how this relates but my Mom used to say I had several favorite expressions and they usually followed one another if you just waited long enough.

"I'll tell you what......"

"On the other hand......"

Seems like that fits with a Fieldmarshal and a Teacher.

We're getting used to our renovated home. The living room is a delight - no changes in layout there. But, the kitchen is totally new. And, the layout is different. Someone asked me the other day if I had trouble finding things. No, they are where they should be. The other kitchen was wrong; all we did was make it right.

On the other hand, I've had to rethink some of my planning because it's just not working out effectively. For instance, my partner wants the coffee pot, mugs and flatware to the left of the sink. Not where I'd planned for it to be, but I can adapt - right? So, we put the flatware where I thought the kitchen utensils ought to go. Something just didn't feel right about that. Then, I figured it out, and I've changed it while she's out of town. I turned the divided tray around so that the handles are closest to you when you're standing in front of the coffee pot. Of course, I'm right handed and she's left handed, and that could make a difference in how the handles are turned. I'm wondering if she'll notice it before she reads this.

And, I've been having other fun in her absence - about four days of lazy solitude. I've unpacked boxes and decided to get rid of more books - religous stuff that I will never use again. I still have about 10 boxes of books to unpack yet, but I suspect that many of them will depart in peace to be loved in the service of the Lord.

I wonder that my personality type has not changed more. I'm certainly enjoying the creative aspects of me lately - writing, painting, making jewelry, knitting, roasting cats. No, just joking on the latter. I have two part-Siamese, and one of them is yowling at me that it's time for his medicine and treats. Here he comes, white paws a gleaming in the door to stare at me when the yowling didn't work.

So, I guess I'll cut short this personal musing and "pill the cat". It is that time.

All I can say is WOW!

WOW! Check out this video greeting on Rev Mom's blog.

You Are 25% Left Brained, 75% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

No wonder I was never a "success" in my careers; I chose words and management, not artistic endeavors.

All the more reason to "tidy up"

What a funny shape of this thing!

Recipe for sharecropper

The Recipe For sharecropper Even though I'm a tee-totaller!

3 parts Difance 2 parts Passion 1 part Warmth Splash of Drive Limit yourself to one serving. This cocktail is strong!

What's the Recipe for Your Personality?

One step toward an ecologically sound world

Padre Mickey tagged Juanuchis for this meme, and I liked the idea; so I'm doing it, too.

Steps towards an environmentally (ecologically) sound world - what am I doing and what can I do to leave a smaller "footprint" in the world.

First, let me say that I do many things that leave "footprints" large and unsound: I use way too much gasoline with too many vehicles on our property. I drink too much bottled water even though the bottles are recycled. I forget to take the plastic bags back to the grocery store and get sick of seeing them and throw them in the trash. But, I do get paper bags at one grocery and I reuse them for our recycling. I don't have a compost heap here. We have far too many things with little LED lights and instant on/off controls; so we use more electricity. I use poison for fire ants.

Okay, so what am I doing to help the world:

1. We do recycle everything possible except table scraps.

2. I mostly drive a Prius which uses little gas.

3. I am conscious of how much water I use. We do not water our lawn most of the time. Our water shortage here is not as bad as other places, but we let the grass die.

4. I donate clothing that I have under-grown (Weight Watchers does work.) to friends or to our local non-profit thrift shops.

5. During our recent house renovation, everything possible in salvage went to Habitat for Humanity. And, we still have some light fixtures and other things to go there.

6. I am reusing old deck boards for bordering flower beds. And, we bought less toxic treated wood for the recplacement boards on the deck. We used the composite stuff for our front porch instead of treated wood.

7. We turn off lights when we leave a room. Maybe this saves the electricity that all our little LED lights use. LOL

8. We are conscious of things that should not go into the landfills and recycle batteries, ink cartridges, and such in the proper places.

9. I cannibalize old computers from other people for parts and to recycle them for use by unwed mothers to complete schooling. The remaining parts are appropriately discarded. Although I read recently that far too much high tech waste goes to foreign countries for salvage in unhealthy manner.

Enough.

The second coming

Well, it's foggy here today.

And, the sun is coming up.

And, the fog is glowing a bright yellow light. Too bright to even photograph.

I'm wondering about the Return of Christ! Today?

More knitting commentary

The Hat pictures are below. This was a fun project; my first time to follow a pattern, and possibly my last. I'm not good at following patterns. LOL

Now, I am knitting a shawl to wear here at home (guess I could wear it out) that will tuck into my pants and not get in my way like the sleeves of my flannel shirts do. So, it's grey alpaca grande - a nice thick yarn that is silky soft and slides right off the metal needles I am using. I've have developed more fine motor skills this time in grabbing the stitches as they slide off the needle and before they sink into the previous row of stitches. That would be problematic with this silky alpaca. Very hard to correct dropped stitches.

Anyway, I don't much care for repetitive work - too many knit stitches and not enough purl stitches or other variation. And, shawls take a lot of stitches. You knit from the tip of the shawl up to the shoulder. So, you start out with two stitches and increase every other row by two stitches. I got up to about 83 stitches and decided it was surely big enough and I was tired of doing the same old thing. So I bound it off, but I was smart enough not to cut the yarn.

I grandly flipped it over my back and, alas, it barely covered the tops of my shoulders. Ugh. I could either give it to a very small person or I could try to get it back on the needles - those same metal needles (called circular turbo needles). I opted for getting it back on the needles.

Other than having every stitch turned backwards (not a real problem to change but tedious), the re-needling went smoothly. And, I now have about five more rows of it knitted. I suspect I have many rows to go before it is the right size and many more knit stitches than I have any desire to do. But, I shall persevere, and we will eventually have pictures of my grey alpaca grande shawl. Of course, the weather is going to be 70 degrees here today; so I may never need it again.

The Felted Hat

The Hat before felting in December 07

The Hat after Felting in January 08

sharecropper in hat after more shaping. Now it has a flat top and a brim that is flat.

Needing Feedback

My favorite skein of yarn
Tonight as I was showing my friends from Atlanta some of my yarn work and bead work, they wanted me to begin blogging about my experiences in learning how to knit, how to mix colors and what things look right to me - well, that's my interpretation of what they were saying. They also called me an artist and said they would help "hawk" my wares and suggested I apply for a "store" on etsy.com.

Now, I get really excited about yarn and beads and silver and jewelry in general - having a lot of it helps. They pointed out that I couldn't keep replenishing my inventory if I kept giving it away. But, I have so much fun doing it. And, I love mixing colors.

Right now, I want to make myself a shawl to wear around the house when my shoulders get cold without putting on my flannel shirt (a signature piece of my wardrobe). I've tried several different yarns - mixes of soft wools and mohairs, wool and rayon worsted and bulky weights, different size needles and I'm still searching for the easy way to a beautiful shawl for me. I just don't like the look of straight knitting - can't ever remember garter from - oh whatever the other one is. So, I thought I'd go for knit one row, purl one row. Someone help me remember what that is called. Anyway, it gives you a right side and a wrong side (and I like the look of both of them). I also like the twisted stitch where you wrap the yarn around both needles once and one needle the second time. Gives an elongated twisted stitch that is elegant and easy to do. But, I'm not sure how that would work in a shawl.

I bought some gorgeous nylon short fur in a multi gray/blue/rust. I tried mixing it with a wool/rayon (Berrocco Softwist) in the cranberry color, in the navy color, and finally settled on an Encore Worsted in blue/gray. I knitted about eight inches from the tip and looked at it. The spacing of the colors in the multi gave it a blotched look as if someone had tried to daub paint on the yarn and made a big mess. So that was not the way to go.

Then I tried a size 13 needle with a good red Softwist and a beautiful mohair. ugh. Didn't like the way the thing looked in straight knit. So, now I'm taking that out - and have you ever tried undoing mohair knitted with something else. Bleah. Sticks to itself, to your sleeves, to your fingers (dry this time of year), and to the other yarn. So, I gently pull them apart and roll as I go - remembering years of embroidery thread and how badly it twists and kinks. Do a short bit at a time. Pull the mohair apart with tweezers if you can't catch it since your fingernails all break off at this time of year with the dryness.

You'd think with the humidity and the rain we've had the last few days that my skin and nails would begin to look human again. Naaah. Just peeled another nail and snagged a thumbnail down to the edge. This does not bode well for working with furry fibers. And, when I try to pull the stuff off my fingers, I end up with it in my mouth and that's yucky. Talk about a wooly mouth!!

So, now I'm looking at Reynolds Frisky, which no one online seems to have in red and we only have yellow in the shop - oh, by the way, I work one day a week in a yarn shop. Most days I spend more than I make. LOL What a good employee I am - contributing to the well being of our shop - you notice the possessive "our" there, huh? My boss would have to run me off with an ugly stick.

So, maybe some of my posts will be about yarn and beads, jewelry and such. And, no, I'm not a fancy dresser though I do like to look nice. I just love jewelry. My partner, who does woodworking, says that one can never have enough clamps. I think one can never have enough earrings (or yarn) (or beads). Currently, I have more bead than the local shop. And, the bead show is coming up nearby in January. So, I really need to get rid of some of the stuff I have in order to buy more.

Ah, the wicked web we weave when first we practice gathering and greed.

Giving Meme

I will send a handmade gift to the first five people who comment to this post. You may email your snailmail address to me at dancing.through.doorways@gmail.com.

While others' lists of handmade goodies is extensive, mine consists of beaded earrings suitable for pierced ears, a fiber necklace, or a package of homemade hot chocolate mix. List your two favorite colors and silver or gold for earrings, just two colors for the necklace.

Here's the catch: If you comment to this post, you'll have to post to your own journal (wherever it is, doesn't have to be on Blogger) making the same offer. Comments are open!

Got this meme from Nina but the gifts come from me.

A Verrry Merrry to Everyone

Merry Ho Ho to all.

The Not-A-Scrooge Meme

This originally began as an email meme, but I just can't think who would like to read it. So, this has become a blog meme for me - thanks to Juanuchis Way



1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper

2. Real tree or Artificial? One just bought today 8 foot real, 7 miniature artificial

3. When do you put up the tree? Usually the first week of December, but with house renovation - probably not until the 23rd when we have our tree trimming party

4. When do you take the tree down? when my partner gets sick of it

5. Do you like eggnog? I love it, but it doesn't love me - and no alcohol, please.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Don't remember much of my childhood, but think it was a pair of white majorette boots that I lost the first day of school because I took them off when they hurt my feet. Those were the only acceptable boots for girls then.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, two of them - one is a small multi-part set and the other is my partner's childhood cardboard with plaster figures

8. Hardest person to buy for? My partner

9. Easiest person to buy for? The ones who give me lists

10.Mail or email Christmas cards? Not doing them this year

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I'm sure it was a ruffled dress that Mom gave me - taffeta with flocked pine cones on the gathered skirt - and worn with a crinoline petticoat (not one of the big ones) that scratched. Bleah.

12.Favorite Christmas Movie? Don't know

13.When do you start shopping for Christmas? I shop all year to fill stocking for my friends - stocking are popcorn tins, but I start present shopping in December usually. If I buy it any sooner, I give it to the person then. Can't wait.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, many.

15.Favorite thing to eat/drink at Christmas? Cornbread Dressing and cranberry sauce

16.Clear lights or colored on the tree? We have old fashioned colored lights on our tree now, but I used clear lights for many years.

17.Favorite Christmas song? O Come, O Come Immanuel (I realize this is really an advent song, but, hey, who knows the difference?)

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? home this year, used to travel to Mom's

19.Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph

20.Angel on the tree top or a star? star - handmade by Lisa's mother and brother many years ago

21.Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? morning - but I always want to do it on Christmas Eve - we opened on Christmas Eve when I was a child.

22.Most annoying thing about this time of year? Alvin and the Chipmunks and “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”

23.Favorite ornament theme or color? Coca Cola

24.Favorite for Christmas dinner? Turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, sweet potato casserole, green beans, sometimes rice or mashed potatoes, pecan pie or chocolate pie

25.What do you want for Christmas this year? To be back in my newly-renovated house and cook Christmas dinner in my new kitchen

Merry Christmas!!!

Never mind that these things look like figs!

You scored 25% intoxication, 50% hotness, 100% complexity, and 100% craziness!

You are Allspice! You are the flavour of the Caribbean. You are not, as many think, a mixture of spices; you are your own, very unique, spice. Though you may be found in the company of "jerks," you're actually quite nice and rather good at making foul things seem nice, too.

Worth waking up for

Relaxing

I've really enjoyed having an internet link again after a week without one. And, I've been watching the panda cubs in Atlanta and San Diego. Mei Lan, born a year ago September, is hardly a cub any longer, weighing in at 70 pounds. Zhen Zhen, commonly known as Zoom Zoom, at the San Diego Zoo is still - well, no, she's not small. She's a roly poly bear - and so active that she's fun to watch. Last night she was on her back trying to turn over and wriggled for about 10 minutes before she finally got all the way over on her feet. I laughed and laughed. Here's a how I frequently see Mei Lan in Atlanta - a lazy cub when I'm online - sound asleep.

Five Meme from RevGalBlogPals

Parishioners pushing for carols before you digested your turkey? Organist refusing to play Advent hymns because he/she already has them planned for Lessons & Carols? Find yourself reading Luke and thinking of a variety of ways to tell Linus where to stick it? (Lights please.) Then this quick and easy Friday Five is for you! And for those of you with a more positive attitude, have no fear. I am sure more sacred and reverent Friday Fives will follow.

Please tell us your least favorite/most annoying seasonal....
1) dessert/cookie/family food
2) beverage (seasonal beer, eggnog w/ way too much egg and not enough nog, etc...)
3) tradition (church, family, other)
4) decoration
5) gift (received or given)
BONUS: SONG/CD that makes you want to tell the elves where to stick it.

I know, I know.... pretty grumpy for November but why not get it out of our systems now so we are free to enjoy the rest of the festivities.

Stole this one from Hedwyg, but it sounds like fun:

1. My least favorite dessert is pumpkin pie or anything with cinnamon prevalent in it, especially hot things with cinnamon. I think I must have suffered olfactory overload with cinnamon at some point, and now I can hardly eat it much less go into a store with cinnamon potpourri.

2. Anything sickeningly sweet - punch usually hits this category with fruit punch as its base, but I like the tart ginger ale stuff. And, anything with alcohol is too much for me. I love egg nog, but it doesn't like me.

3.For Christmas dinner we invite friends who don't have other family with whom to celebrate. We also have a tree trimming party and everyone gets a gift bag to take home. We provide the food and they decorate the tree, putting on as many of our ornaments as they possibly can. Then we sing Christmas carols.

4. I do love the inflatable outdoor decorations - in others' yards. For myself, I cherish my miniature Christmas trees. In 1988 when we discovered I had been accepted in seminary and we were going to have a tiny apartment, I bought the first Hallmark miniature tree and a few of the ornaments for it. This has grown to a current blessing of seven trees and will grow by at least one more this year. Among the decorations are some crude wooden ornaments, lots of Hallmark miniatures, and cherished pieces of jewelry and other memorabilia from past years.

5. My Mom, God loves her, she's dead now, used to give me clothes that I would never put on my body. She loved lace and ruffles, and for years and years she gave me lace and ruffles. I'm not that kind of person. Finally she gave me a man's denim shirt and resignedly said, "Well, I think you'll probably wear this." LOL

Music - I've been having fun with iTunes, having bought the last slim 8 gig iPod nano in the world (well, maybe just in this area) before they changed its size. I've downloaded all my old favorites, my Mom's old favorites, choral Christmas, some new stuff - but I just don't even understand the hip-hop Christmas music - and some of the hard rock stuff is indecipherable even though I like hard rock....I like to sing along where possible. But, I truly object to having Christmas carols 24 hours a day from Halloween until Christmas day - then it's all over - no 12 days of Christmas - no Epiphany. Just blap Halloween to Christmas Day.

Back at the condo

I have spent most of the week "batching" it in the one habitable bedroom in our house. We had two usable bathrooms and the plumbing on one of them went out; so I was one bedroom, one bath - and very grateful for both. Also heat.

No pictures this week; everything looks much the same. The trimwork is finished; the painters began working Saturday; the cabinet replacements and extra parts will be here this week. Royal Flush will work on the bathroom plumbing on Tuesday. The new refrigerator will be delivered Tuesday.

Discovered that the sink now installed in the kitchen is not the one that I ordered. Mind you, I've looked at that sink a number of times before it was installed. I even called Wanda the plumbing supply wizard about the drain being in the center and not on the side as I had thought. But, I didn't notice that it wasn't a deep sink until the grid that can be used in the bottom of it wouldn't fit. So, Monday another call to Wanda the plumbing wizard.

My partner finished the deck floor today. It will eventually be battleship gray with white balusters, but the treated wood has to season for a bit. And, the weather is getting too cool to do that right now. We'll have some more warm weather in December, I'm sure.

The site supervisor says that we will be back in the house by Christmas. I just hope the moving company can cooperate with bringing the furniture from storage when we have a more definite date. Maybe I ought to call them and alert them to the possibility of a week before Christmas. Yes, I know I'm being really hopeful, but this IS a season of hope.

We may have that tree trimming party yet!!

Happy Advent to you.

Christmas is here! Advent - well, the stores can't

find it. I searched in vain yesterday for advent candles in Target and Wal-Mart. No such luck. My advent wreath holder is packed away during our house renovation. But, I was gonna get some candles of some kind - all I could find were scented candles - vanilla white and freesia purple. And, they smelled so loud just picking them up that I knew we couldn't stand them in the small condo.

But, I did enjoy looking at the new Christmas ornaments - so beautiful and glittery - and plastic. Another woman and I were staring at some of the stuff together and began talking about ornaments that we loved and owned. Of course, I had to mention my miniature Christmas trees. I began with one in 1988 when I knew I was going to seminary the following Fall. Hallmark had just come out with them, and I bought a tree and a few ornaments that year. The following year in school, I bought two ornaments only. The next year was the same. But, in the intervening years, I have added six trees and the requisite ornaments for each. I have a Santa tree, an animal tree, and five others without themes.

Some of the ornaments are pieces of jewelry that hold a lot of meaning but I just don't wear them any longer. An oblong rhinestone drop that a friend gave me when she graduated from high school and we moved to another town. A little red slipper that once was a pair of earrings my Dad brought home from French Morroco. A silver snowflake, also one of a pair of earrings from my late sister-in-law, Sue-Sue. A Coke cap from Guatemala. A tiny doll from Honduras. A roadrunner tie tac that I brought home in the 60s from Arizona. My first Swarovski crystal snowflake. The ornaments and tree from my Mom after she died. A tiny honeysuckle vine wreath that I made the year we lived on sweet potatoes and crab (that's what people gave away in South Alabama).

This year, I'm adding at least one more tree with ornaments that I've bought on eBay. And, I did buy a few Hallmark ornaments. But, Hallmark is now packaging their miniatures in groups with themes. And, I don't like that much. I liked it when they did individual pieces in series. I have all the tractors and all the ice cube buddies and most of the motorcycles and all the trains. Now, you have to buy them all together. And, fewer choices.

All my boxes for the Hallmark ornaments are carefully stored away so that whoever inherits my stuff can sell them appropriately. I was disappointed to find that one set of my eBay ornaments had price tags stuck to the boxes, but I'm gradually getting them peeled off without damaging the box. Tells you what a stickler I can be, doesn't it?

We've had a tree trimming party since 1999, when my partner and I merged our ornaments. We prepared food, invited people, and watched all the fun. And, those ornaments have grown, too. We usually get an ornament on each trip we take...no matter how close to home - well, more than 200 miles, say. Now we've added boats and beach symbols, and I may hang a piece of something left from the renovation. A broken frosted light fixture might provide just the right piece if I used the drill sander to smooth its edges and drill a hole. And, yes, I know to keep the piece in water while I'm doing that. Thanks for reminding me.

Meanwhile, I've been busy selecting things to go in the "stockings" that I prepare for those who visit us over the holidays. Actually, I use popcorn tins and stuff them with useful things like socks and funny things and nostalgic things and things I've made. The floor on one side of my bed is covered with that kind of stuff - but the tins are in the garage at the house. I guess I'll get them so that I can start sorting and make sure that I have everyone covered.

Today, I'm grateful to have these things to do. Today, I'm thinking of the food kitchens, the AIDS Care Service, the animal and land preservation projects, the homeless people and animals, and those who are ill.

Today is Christ the King Sunday in our church. A note from the Geranium Farm reminded us to think about what the world would be like if the reign of Christ was fully here.

Renovation update after Thanksgiving

This whole wall will be dark blue










Guest bathroom with that gorgeous blue tile floor without the grout




















kitchen with countertop on. Some doors missing and finish work to be done. Window replaced in sunroom (on left). Dee and I are painting a funky cat mural as a backsplash in the kitchen. One cat will have a Perrier label collar and another will have a Coca-Cola collar - lots of reds and primary colors to offset the browns. Floor will be a slightly lighter shade of brown than the countertops (which actually do have a bit of sienna red in them)
















The sheetrock people are there today along with the site supervisor. I'm going over tomorrow to lay out the shelves and hanging rods for the closets and laundry room. The painter will be there next week, and then the floors go down. We'll be in before Christmas. I may have my tree trimming party on Christmas Eve, but, so be it.

cabinet

D, the installer measures for a cabinet in my bedroom. Note electric panel behind him - being replaced today or tomorrow.















first day of cabinet installation.


















new boards, old boards, painting by my partner

The cold front arrives

During the rain










After the rain

Addiction Added

Well, I started looking for a Starbucks clear coffee mug for my partner on eBay - and I bid on several - got one for a good price...lost a few other bids. Then I strayed into crafts section and bid on some Swarovski crystals. I won. I'm addicted. I looked at the various sellers stores and other things they had on auction. Then I figured out how to look at all the things in a category listed with how long the auction had left. I lost a lot of bids at the last minute. Then, I read the hints about bidding. And, I won a few more things. I'm addicted.

Now, I'm checking every night to see what is won or lost, what's available that's new. And, I've learned how to watch certain items and see how the bidding is going.

But, the most important thing I've learned is not to overbid. My maximum bid is the most I'm willing to pay for the item (including shipping). So, now some I win, some I lose, and I keep watching.

The budget is not suffering yet, but I'm spending a lot more time on eBay than in reading my buddies' blogs. Sorry, folks. I'll get over this in a week.

Meanwhile, I have a bid on some Hallmark miniature ornaments ending soon; so I'd better check how the bidding is going.

morning view

Renovation Update

Yesterday and today, I moved the fountain from the deck to the workshop carport using the riding lawnmower and its little cart. We spent the night last night at the house, staying in the only room with furniture and thoroughly enjoying being "home". Of course, we had no hot water; so baths were out of the question. Our only heat was a ceramic heater which did a fine job of raising the temperature to 70 degrees before we turned it almost off for the night.

The sheetrock is up and will probably be finished tomorrow. Then we will prime the walls in the kitchen before the cabinets go in this week. The flooring may be laid the last of the week - depends on how much more the sheetrock people have to do.

This is the living room where we removed two fake beams and some wallboards around the beams to open up the cathedral ceiling. Our sofa will be on this wall with the kitchen on the left in the picture.















This is the kitchen, and you can see where a broken window in the sunroom is covered with plywood and will be replaced soon. Cabinets are in and should be installed this week.










This is my desk space, and I've found a wonderful lighting consultant who will work with me to design the lighting for my study/workroom. I will need some good lighting to do all the work I need to do. I just won a few bids on eBay - gosh, that is addicting!!!!

Next I'll be taking pictures of the deck that my partner is replacing - well, she's doing the flooring, and she's painting the thing to match the house. Maybe I'll get those pictures later this week when I go to work...or to therapy on Wednesday.

More About Dreams

The November 2007 issue of Real Simple has an article called In Your Dreams by Kristyn Kusek Lewis, who quotes lots of "authorities" on what happens in the brain during dreaming. Not the least occurence is the inactivity of the prefrontal cortex, responsible for logic and reasoning. This means that while your dreams may be linking new events/sights etc. to old memories the linkage is not necessarily reasonable or rational. What is more likely is that some underlying feeling is present in both the new and the old; the anygdala which processes emotions and the hippocampus which is the seat of memory are both very active during REM dreaming.

The fact that hormones and certain medications enhance dreaming is also mentioned.

So what does this mean for me. Well, according to the article, I could be processing some underlying emotion that I should give attention; I could be processing grief; I may be just putting together a vivid mishmash of memories and emotions with no meaning.

I had another very vivid dream last night, and I don't remember it now, but I remember thinking that it had the same startling ability as some of my other dreams. We spent the night at the house that is being renovated last night. One bedroom still has furniture and was heated by a ceramic heater. No hot water, but we came back to the condo to get clean and sleep tonight. I think my dreams are a replay of the true mishmash of emotions and thoughts I am having about the remodeling and about my ability to make decisions that will please everyone. LOL. Oh yeah, I'm trying to please everyone with the decisions that we make about how the place will look.

Finally, I'm turning to face those people and saying, "Excuse me, but you're not going to live here; we are. Get lost." My partner is happy with our decisions, I am happy with our decisions, and so they can just bag it.

And, I'm facing once again the fact that very few decisions I ever made pleased my mother. I remember her saying, "Why are you wearing that ugly grey shirt? It makes you look haggard." Oh well. She's dead. I can wear my grey shirt if I want to - only I really prefer red.

Happy dreams, y'all.

A powerful dream

This morning I awoke from a dream, and I will share it.

I dreamed that my Mother was going to bury me in the small Southern Baptist cemetery at Slate Springs, Mississippi – the church that kicked me out because I wouldn’t quit dancing. I was alive, and others who were going to be buried were also alive. As the good lay minister I am, I was running around trying to help get things ready for the burials.

Mother was waiting with the families of the others who were to be buried.

I suddenly realized that I had always said I wanted to be cremated when I died and that I specifically did not want to be taken back to Mississippi and buried in that cemetery. I had given my designated plot for my sister-in-law’s body some years ago.

When I realized this, I ran from the front of the church a long way around the cemetery and a great field where the others who were to be buried were playing softball to the back of the church and panted into the waiting room where I found my Mother.

I said to her: I know you will have the last word when I am dead, but I told you two things. I want to be cremated when I die, and I told you that I never wanted to be buried here in this forsaken little place.

Then I woke up.

The first symbolism I realized is that my Mother had always stifled me and tried to keep my eccentricities buried – unsuccessfully. I don’t know how I was supposed to get from being very much alive (I ran such a long distance.) to dead enough to be buried. I remember wondering that no caskets for the dead were visible though I saw a contraption that lowered the body into the ground. It was wooden – a very beautiful thing that looked like an oversized luggage rack in a hotel room.

The second symbolism is that of baptism. Being buried alive in the living waters and raised to be a new person. That was a scary thought because this time I wasn’t being buried in the living waters but in the ground.

But, I was baptized in that particular church, though I can’t say that the Holy Spirit moved me to that. It was more an apology to the preacher for screaming obscenities at him when our smokehouse caught on fire. He was spraying the house with a tiny water hose to keep it from catching afire also, and he kept hollering “The house is gonna go. The house is gonna go.” My mother was already panicked, and I told him to shut his damn mouth or I’d shut it for him.

My Mother decided after the fire was out, and the house was safe that it was time I was baptized and began attending church more regularly. So, that summer in revival, I went forward and was subsequently baptized. During the process of immersion, the preacher held a cloth over my nose and mouth and leaned me backwards into the water saying the prescribed words. Unfortunately, I slipped and he dropped me. My thought was, “Well, I really am going to die.” Not true. He recovered and grabbed me before I hit the bottom, and it was only three feet deep anyway. But, I was baptized by immersion that evening at that tiny Southern Baptist Church in a village of about 150 people in the middle of nowhere in the Mississippi hills.

Yesterday on a trip to Lowe’s Building Supplies, I had a panic attack, overwhelmed by the thought that I was with my mother on a trip that she blamed on me and that I was wrong and despised because of it. Although I made it through the buying of a new showerhead, I felt as if I were going to explode all afternoon. As evening fell, I began to calm down and realize that, once again, my Mother had taken over my mind/emotions.

Now she’s been dead six years, and I’ve been in therapy much longer than that over our relationship – codependent and toxic. This is the second time in recent months that she’s slipped into my life in scary ways. After the first one, I wrote her a letter asking that she butt out. Apparently she didn’t get the letter or ignored it.

Still, the symbolism of the dream lingers. I’m reading Sue Monk Kidd’s “Dance of the Dissident Daughter” about her journey from patriarchal daughter to ....well, I haven’t gotten far enough to know where she’s going. She has undoubtedly gone through the dying and rebirth.

This morning’s dream was the dying. I remember in 1993 saying to my husband (divorced now for 9 years), if you leave me here with Mother, I will die.

So, is this about my spiritual life or is this just more of Mother’s guck? It’s a powerful dream whatever it means.

Ways of addressing people

The HOBD (House of Bishops and Deputies) listserv recently had a discussion among several women (clergy and laity) about the use of "honey", "sweetheart", "love", and other such means of addressing people - a habit that is prevalent in the South. This type of behavior is offensive to some people. "Dear" is another term often used. One person proposed that "Ma'am" was an acceptable alternative.

I'm guilty of calling people many different names of this genre. "Lady", "Man", "Kid", "Dearie", and a host of others. Of course, one of my friends calls me "Batgirl", but that's not necessarily complimentary as we once had a discussion about Bat Cave, NC, and the appropriateness of one another's possible residence there. However, I also use a person's name in the same context - if I know that person's name.

The argument was that society once used derogatory terms for certain people - the N word was mentioned as well as other ethnic slurs. And, I'm sure that specific talk show hosts are guilty of using words to describe groups of people that are not complimentary and do slander those mentioned. But, we're not talking about ethnic slurs; we're talking about forms of address for servers in restaurants to use in addressing their patrons. They contend that such usage is degrading and non-inclusive.

I live in a part of the country that is a mix of wealthy people from "The North" and a clique of "old Southern money" as well as the commonly called "rednecks" and ordinary folk of the South. Using such forms of address as "girls" or "boys" for women and men is a friendly gesture, but I admit that overuse by one person can become irritating. One waiter who continued to call our lunch group "girls" was definitely out of order. But, you can usually tell by the tone of voice. And, I do agree that "ma'am" or "sir" is often the better choice.

As many of you know, I use all sorts of forms of address in my comments on other blogs. They range from "sucker" to "sweet lady" or "friend". These are my friends, and I do the same in person. I know your name. I know your approximate age. I know your status in the world.

Having a sales clerk call me "dear" is as generic to me as "ma'am" or "sir", and down here they don't discriminate between men and women in the "dear" category. "Honey" is another term that some people use as a term of friendliness. To me, this is not the same as using "he" as a generic pronoun - a usage that I detest and protest.

Perhaps I am wrong, and I will ponder (translate - rethink) this sort of address, but I just don't see the harm in using friendly terms of address instead of being formal.
I'm willing to consider the error of my ways; so, all you folks who read my blog, bring it on, dearies.

Thursday Morning Musings

Our Presiding Bishop certainly has taken the lead in calling attention to the Episcopal Canons and Constitution in two ways: a warning letter to Bishop Duncan of Pittsburgh that if he continues in the way he has outlined that canonical action will be taken against him, and in inhibiting Bishop Bennison for not taking action to protect young people when he knew a person was sexually abusing one of them. At the recent Executive Council meeting she also received a report about the legal cases of congregations seceding from the Episcopal Church and trying to keep their property. She made it very clear that the Canons and Constitution make churches and dioceses an interdependent part of the national church. People may leave the church, but churches and dioceses don't.

Then I wondered how I could be so graced with material and spiritual and emotional wealth (the physical is up and down, but at least I have functional insurance) and others in my beloved circle are not. I'm selfish enough that I'm not gonna bankrupt us, but sharing is one of my earliest values. My Mom used to say that I'd give you the shirt off my back and the one off hers, too. I gave away most of her "things" when she died, but I kept the money. LOL It'll do more good when it grows a bit.

I thought I should write something very profound, but the most profound thing I realized during the night was that I was trying to use a 12-step program to replace church for me. Isn't working. I may continue in the 12-step program, but I really need a place to worship. I'd like one that fits with who I am and what I believe, but I'll take 11 am services in a huge church filled (at that service) with mostly those 10-20 plus years older than me rather than nothing.

Theological insights are not my forte now, just living, breathing, and enjoying the ocean and all the yarn I've bought over the past few months. I've started a felted hat, an afghan, and several scarves. Last night we wound (on my new yarn winder) a gorgeous rainbow colored rayon boucle - guess it will be jewelry first - lots of it, over 200 yards - hand dyed. Oh, so beautiful. And, the brightly colored mohair I pictured earlier, plus a brightly colored hand-dyed silk that is handing in my closet so that I see it every morning when I dress. It reminds me that I am beautiful and that I have the clothes to dress beautifully.

However, it's shower time before I can do that. Later, folks.