Temptation

Joanna over at the Geranium Farm wrote today about all the temptations that we face and rephrases the Lord's Prayer to emphasize that God lead us away from temptation - an interesting thought.

One of my favorite bits about temptation is a phrase from "Somebody's Knockin'" by Terri Gibbs -
Somebody's knockin' should I let him in,
Lord it's the devil would you look at him
I've heard about him but I never dreamed,
he'd have blue eyes and blue jeans. Thanks to Levi's for the picture!
Evil and Satan are undercover agents - literally and figuratively. I always wondered if the reality of what was under those blue jeans was as real as promised. Now, I recognize that temptation comes in all sorts of disguises, and they are seldom evil at first appearance.

eBay is a wonderful example for me. I began looking on eBay for an out-of-date coffee mug for my partner. Then, I realized that others things were available at the touch of an icon. I need only input my credit card number to PayPal and go shopping. Now, we all know that shopping is one of my weaknesses - my retail therapy, my way of stopping the pain. And, the thrill of getting down to the wire in a bidding "war" to the last few seconds - ah, me. The innocuous eBay was my own temptation. After dozens of packages arrived, I realized what I was doing. I have not turned my back on temptation, but I can look it in the eye and said, "NO." Most of the time.

Laughing. So temptation comes in all guises. Food is another of my weaknesses. Today, I was out after therapy. Spent $26 and almost two hours in the bookstore. Then on the way home, I decided I'd like to have a Coke from the Mexican store near the interstate. So, I purred over there and bought two Mexican Cokes - made with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup - sooooo good. But, one of my favorite eateries is in the same area; so I sauntered down there - past the soon-to-be-open bakery where I used to buy cupcakes - and bought two cranberry muffins (probably just as many calories as the cupcakes). To make a long story short, I ate one of the muffins after I got home and automatically reached for the other one. God led me away from temptation right then. I put it down, folded the top of the bag and put it out of sight. For right now, I have had a reasonable amount. If I had eaten both muffins now, I would have been stuffed. If I eat it tonight or tomorrow morning, I will have done better.

Temptation. At therapy we talked about a problem I have contacting an old friend, who is dying of cancer. How do I tell her that just talking with her brings back memories that are more painful than I care to handle? I've been through therapy about these and I've forgiven and been forgiven, but the pain is still very real. It doesn't go away just because I understand it. I've left the situation with God and the pain still shows up with the memories. I know how I felt then. My therapist asked if I really needed to say that to her. The knowledge that her very presence in my life brings pain will not make her feel better, and I won't feel any better knowing that I have hurt her; so why say it to her? Let it be. Time will ease the situation and I will know what to do. But, I have been tempted to say, Just go away, Don't make me think of this stuff any more, Quit calling, I have nothing to say. So, if I have nothing to say, then I shouldn't say it. Temptation. Try to ease my own pain at someone else's expense. Giving in to temptation seldom works anyway - you're just miserable afterward.

How does your temptation appear? Blue eyes and blue jeans, speaking when being silent would be better, two muffins? eBay? Credit cards?

Lead me away from temptation - or at least help me to recognize it, Lord.

Bodies, thoughts, habits, and spirituality

Hmmmm. How to begin. I'm going to write this the way I'm thinking and then decide where my thinking has gone astray. After all, when I'm alone in my head, I'm alone with a crazy person!

I was supposed to go to a River Watch training session this morning at 9 am about an hours' drive from here. Sounded like a great idea when I signed up. Some mornings are good for me; some are not. Today was not. I had vertigo and stuffiness, some congestion. But, even last night as I sat cozily knitting in my favorite red chair, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to move. All I wanted was to sit quietly and knit my life away.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour, arose at 7 am, and literally stagged to the bathroom, holding onto my chest of drawers and the wall to get there - my head was decidedly not on straight. I perseved, telling myself that this would go away. I've had it for several mornings now, and it's gone away on its own. I drank lots of water, took my medicine, ate my breakfast and sat down at the computer. Then, I leaned over to pick up a tissue that had fallen on the floor. Wrong. Almost ended head first on the floor. Gently rose up. Called my partner and told her I couldn't go.

Guilt. This is something that we want to do together. She took the training last weekend while I went yarn shopping, rising at an early hour to drive an hour and half away. She spent that morning in a three hour training session. I was playing.

Okay, I've had a decongestant and an additional antihistamine, a nap and lunch. I feel okay but still a bit ditzy and a whole lot guilty. Why couldn't I do something for us that required getting up early, driving somewhere and spending time learning something I really want to know. I could get up early, drive somewhere and spend time shopping with other friends. So, why couldn't I do that for us this morning?

End of story.

First of all, using "supposed to" instead of "scheduled to" indicates a command or obligation - and signing up for the workshop was certainly an obligation. But, my mindset was that I should, ought to or some such idea - the presumption that I would be wrong if I didn't do this. My presumption. Taken to it illogical end, the thought of "supposed to" makes me unloveable if I don't do it. My mind knows that's not true. Not sure my guilt complex has gotten this idea yet, though.

Now, the "should have" part comes in several days ago when I really (for my own health's sake) should have taken care of the dizzy, congested feeling. I actually bought the decongestant a few days ago, but I didn't take it. After all, the dizziness went away - mostly. And, the congestion is something that I've lived with a long time and can ignore very well.

However, I did the right thing this morning. I did not drive when I was dizzy. I took the appropriate medicine and went back to bed. Feeling guilty for letting down the people who offered the workshop and my partner who is looking forward to our doing this together (and I am, too) is another story. Guilt is hard to give up.

Guilt is like resentments - they hurt me not anyone else.

So much for the thoughts. What does all this have to do with spirituality? Well, God doesn't make junk and didn't make me for junky thinking or acting. And, I've done a lot of both in my life. So much that it's hard to decide what is appropriate and what is junky. Right now, I'm feeling junky. Is the guilt appropriate? Did I do the right thing? What do I think/believe about myself right now? Failure - not just that I failed to show up this morning, but I am a failure. I never do anything right.

BS. Junky thinking. My body had warned me that it had problems. Junky acting that I did not take care of the problem when I got the signals. But, that's a bad habit of mine. I ignore signals that are important. I'm messy that way. Maybe I put most things back where they belong, but I choose to not see the signals until the body/ mind/ spirit is full of them.

And, the problem grows from a simple physical or mental one into a mess. A big mess. My spirit is somewhere besides with me or else I just can't feel/see/hear it. My God is off fishing apparently 'cause she's certainly not here either. Maybe they are taking a trip together.

Nothing is getting done today except that I did take my medicine, finally. Stress headache, lethargy, guilt, - what a mess.

So, I think that spirituality, honoring the spirit within me and the Spirit of God, is deeply connected to my body, my thoughts and my habits. Especially in this particular situation.

My solution to this is writing and doing. So, I'm now going to get up (carefully) and begin doing laundry.

Lent - What are you doing for Lent?

Seriously, folks, I'm interested in what your Lenten "discipline" is. Leave me a comment, please

My questions and thoughts about Lent

Lent. Lent. 40 Days not counting Sundays. The usual question from friends is "What are you giving up for Lent? The typical answers are chocolate, sweets, cigarettes, cussing, coffee (not too often). I once gave up Coca-Cola for Lent. Once.

Now we are three days into Lent and I have no Lenten discipline. We discussed this at dinner last night. One acquaintance is giving up some bad habits. That's a good start, but I'd just pick them up again after Easter the same way I did the Coca-Cola.

Traditionally Lent represents the 40 days that Jesus spent in the wilderness (desert). More than two months of his 3 year ministry was spent in the desert, perhaps the same desert where Moses and the Israelites wandered. I wonder if he went in circles like they did. Anyway. In the early church, those who were to be baptized at Easter had their own fasting and discipline to follow during Lent.

The apostles had their own Lent, each one different. Peter didn't know he could preach until after Easter. Mark was mostly a scribe until he wrote down the words and works of Jesus, the Christ. Matthew, the bookkeeper, was mostly good at keeping accounts before he gave us accounts of events and miracles. And, what happens to John, the Beloved? Exiled on Patmos, someone named John writes the most beautiful theology ever. Their Lenten disciplines varied...and some lasted a lifetime after Jerusalem.

Now, we think of Lent as a time of purging, fasting, giving up things. Others say that we should take on good habits or good works or special prayer disciplines during Lent.

I'm not good at giving things up. I'm not terribly good at taking on a discipline, like reading the Daily Office or even getting on the treadmill. And, if I'm going to give up a bad habit, maybe Lent is the motivation to do it, but can I keep it up?

So, here I sit. Pondering what I should do for Lent. This desert is hot and cold. The desert is dry with only a few oases. The desert is lonely at times and comfortingly quiet at others. I'm used to the desert, but.......

I guess I'm a strange one, but the resurrection doesn't mean a lot to me, and I don't believe in sacrificial atonement. I believe that the Incarnation was sufficient. Perhaps we needed the passion and the resurrection to keep the faith alive all these needs, but I just don't think it was necessary for salvation. Heretic that I am.

So, back to Lent. Purple - the royal color. We consider it as a time of mourning instead of a time of seeking in the desert. Yes, Jesus rejected things, power, godness, but isn't the desert for seeking?

I'm still in the desert - and likely to remain there. I know Jesus is with me, and I fear no evil (except maybe the presidential elections and global warming and violence everywhere). I think I'll keep on seeking. God called me long ago. I've answered that call in different ways at different times. Now I'm just puttering along from one oasis to another, seeking the companionship of those on the journey, assuring them of God's presence, accepting their company as right and good. I like journeying.

Tell me what you're doing for Lent. Thanks.

May the peace of God, which may not be exactly what you expect, be with you always.

Who am I? meme

1. What time is it?
2:40 pm
2. Of what are you most afraid?
Being useless
3. What is the most recent movie that you have seen in a Theater?
Been too long ago to remember
4. Place of birth
Clarksdale, Mississippi
5. Favorite Foods
Fried Pork Chop, Butter beans or pintos, slaw, cornbread
6. What's your natural hair color?
Born blonde (accounts for my ditziness), naturally turned dark, now mostly white
7. Ever been to Alaska?
Yes, and would go every year if I could
8. Ever been toilet paper rolling?
Yes
9. Love someone so much it made you cry?
Yes
10. Been in a car accident?
Yes
11. Croutons or bacon bits
On what? Croutons on some pasta dishes to give them crunch, bacon bits on almost anything salty
12. Favorite day of the week?
Tuesdays when I work at the yarn shop
13. Favorite restaurant
Locally – Captain Ratty’s, Other – The River’s End near Savannah, GA
14. Favorite Flower?
Nasturtium
15. Favorite sport to watch?
On TV, I will watch tennis, a bit of football, a bit less basketball, most Olympics.
16. Favorite drink?
Coca-Cola made with real sugar, get them from Mexico
17. Favorite ice cream?
Vanilla
18. Disney or Warner Brothers?
Huh?
19. Ever been on a ship
Yes, love it!
20. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Current rug is blue.
21. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
None, got my license at age 15, but I'd been driving for at least three years
22. What do you do when you are bored?
Knit or play on computer
23. Bedtime?
10-11 pm
24. Favorite TV show
Don’t watch TV, unless I’m really bored and it’s already on. Oh, but I will watch the Olympics.
25. Favorite time of year?
Winter
26. What are your favorite colors?
Red and blue
27. How many tattoos do you have?
None
28. How many pets do you have?
Pets or pests? Two
29. Dogs or cats or other?
cats
30. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
chicken
31. What do you want to do before you die?
Have lots more fun, get to know more people, and learn to set healthy boundaries
32. Have you ever been to Hawaii ?
No, and no desire to go.
33. Have you been to countries outside the U.S.?
Yes
34. Which ones?
Bermuda, Canada, Mexico, Belize, Honduras, Guatemala

Another me

I changed a couple of answers where I was ambivalent, and look what happened!

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I credit Eileen the Episcopalifem

Eileen is the Moon however

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

superbowl commercials

I don't watch much sports, but I did enjoy listening to the superbowl yesterday. And, I've picked my two favorite commercials

and

What's mine is mine! What's yours may be mine, too.

Check out this short paragraph that Lindy picked up from someone else. It hits home with me. I just bought a bright red luggage tag for my knitting bag. It has only one word mine! Aaarrrggghhh.

And today a friend told me about Koinonia Farm in South Georgia - amazing story - check it out on their website. They helped found Habitat for Humanity...and are still doing wonderful things.

Changes on the blog

I've found labels to be so handy when viewing other blogs that I've decided to add them to mine. And, I will go back and add them to previous posts as I have time.

Also, I've added links to places where you can click to give help breast cancer, literacy, hunger, and animal rescue without it costing you anything more than clicking on icon on that site. These are all linked on one website; so you can click on any icon and get to the website that has them all.

My goal with the blog is to have a mix of knitting, theology, memes, and personal stuff like depression, remodeling, etc. (not sure those two were very different, LOL).

knitting stuff

Went to a new shop today and found some interesting display ideas and lots more open space than we have at the shop where I work - but lots less yarn...and everything, almost, was on sale. Here's a picture of the stuff I bought today as well as some stuff that's hanging around my workroom.






And, here's the finished red cable scarf before it is blocked.


























And here's D's soft lavender scarf which is still packed in the box to be shipped - same place it's been all week. And, listen, kiddo, if you don't like it, you can't send it back - give it to someone else, okay. I have way too much stuff in this office.





So, yes to all to who have asked. I'm feeling much better, getting over a several day headache, running a humidifier and air cleaner and doing hot compresses and cold packs and pain killers, and..... well, you get the idea. But, basically, I'm good. Looking forward to a pretty day tomorrow when I have no responsibilities.

Southern dialect

Ah, Juanuchis, why'd ya hafta get me started on this? I know I talk Southern, but I thot it was only when I's tired. Now I discover

81% (Dixie). Did you have any Confederate ancestors?


And, yes, I did have Confederate ancestors, enough so that I could join the - what is it? - Daughters of the Confederacy. My uncle actually is a member of the men's form of that organization, and he has a framed picture and write-up about one of our most direct ancestors. Give me a break!

A Rebel at heart - maybe that explains my life. LOL

Shadow Syndromes

Now that I'm about over this bout of depression - still a bit down at night, I read an article that I think came from Nina at Dancing Through Doorways. John J. Ratey teaches and researches in psychiatry at Harvard, and his article and book, Shadow Syndromes: People with Mild Forms of Serious Disorders, is reviewed here. As a result of new developments with echo planar magnetic resonance imaging (what a mouthful), researchers can watch the "mind boggle". I suddenly have a picture of all these lettered dice being jumbled around inside my skull while someone watches and tries to predict how they will land.
An MRI image
Anyway, the conclusions drawn so far indicate that when we change the chemical action in one part of the brain, other parts of the brain are affected also. And, sometimes the changes in the other parts of the brain return to change the area being medicated. For instance, he says, Prozac immediately raises the serotonin levels in the brain, but several weeks may pass before the depression lifts. So something else is happening here.

He says that timing and the geography of the brain and what he called recursivity (the feedback to the original change) are being investigated. He mentions that the biology of our brains are not fixed at birth; the brain responds to environment, for instance, traumatic incidences can "cause" post traumatic stress syndrome. We acquire dents and scrapes along the way even if we don't acquire such traumatic scars.

Lately, however, neuropsychiatry is discovering that genetics, brain structure and biochemistry heavily influences those mental/emotional diagnoses found in DSM IV. And, the thinking is that we really can have a touch of schizophrenia or bipolar or obessive-compulsive disorder without being much out of the ordinary (if you can define ordinary).

So, I presume it's like having a slight cold. The virus is there, but it's not affecting you much. So, I might have a touch of bipolar syndrome to go along with my ambient anxiety and together they may manifest themselves as depression. Or the depression and the panic may manifest as manic. Or some of one at one time and some of the other at another time or various stages in between. Not a very far out idea. We look at ourselves as being somewhere along a spectrum in many behaviors, beliefs, and choices, from insane liberal to middle of the road to insane conservative. And, each of us fits in different places along that particular spectrum at different times. And beliefs affect politics and politics affect compassion and ....

So, environment does shape heredity in that the environment (say a traumatic incident, and I've had a number of those) can affect brain chemistry in one area that filters through to other areas and eventually changes the functioning in the brain. Age, apparently can do the same.

No one is normal. There is no Jane Doe against which to compare ourselves. There may be a median or a mean or even an average on some spectrum of behavior or function of the brain, but nothing that even remotely qualifies as normal (and I challenge you to define either normal or ordinary). Ha!

I'm sitting here using the back of the Yale Alumni Magazine as a mouse pad, and the picture on the back cover is Bill Gates and Warren Buffett on a business jet. Gates is laughing and Buffett looks as if he is telling some tall tale with slight upturn of his mouth. He even has laugh lines. But, I'm wondering where does each fit on the spectrum of schizophrenia, bipolar, OCD? And, if you're not near the mean, median or average, are you at a disadvantage? Or, did being OCD have a positive affect on their financial success and fame?

If we give up or medicate away our end-of-the-spectrum behaviors, how will it affect our creativity, endurance, persistence? How much medicine is enough, and how much is too much? Too many new medicines on the market haven't seen long-term testing. And, I'm taking some of them...a number of them. I'm taking medicine that affects my serotonin levels, my dopamine levels, and whatever that is in panic disorder. I use area specific steroids to help my breathing. How are they interacting? I strongly suspect that no one knows. Drug manufacturers test for trace chemicals in urine and blood, but what about how those trace levels that stuck in my brain are combining to form a different me.

The question I used to ask my therapist is, "But, will I like the new me?" Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I don't. And, I still throw tantrums, jump for joy, get fed up with stuff and dislike secrecy....among other traits along some of those brain spectra.

We thought I might have sleep apnea until we realized that A: I was taking two medicines together that make me sleepy and tired in the daytime, and B: the cats were walking all over me at night and waking me up. So, I changed the medication times and kicked the cats off me; now I'm doing well, thank you.

Still, the depression kicks in sometimes. Therapy helps. Medicine must be continued even though I don't want to take anything. Music helps. Activity helps. "Acting as if..." helps. "Pretend you're happy when you're blue...."

And, all of it may be some complicated recursivity from taking my medicines at the wrong time, or the synchronicity of memory triggers and dopamine/serotonin levels, or the alignment of the stars.

That's it. I'm going for the alignment of the stars - and my stars are more in alignment now! Thanks be to God.

Depression update

Slowly passing depressing with occasional bouts of laughter and joy. Daytimes better. Finding out that our renovation is going to cost even less than we had thought is great. Found some bright colored jeans at Wal-Mart for $13 or $17. I can wear them to work. Ate lunch with partner. Got a good haircut. Found a wonderful new snack - Wild Things Crunch cereal from Kellogg's - had a picture of panda on the front so I had to buy it. LOL. And, it's only 100 calories for 3/4 cup with some fiber - crunches so good.

My cable scarf is coming along nicely. I will have to get one more skein of yarn tomorrow because I'm running out, but I am so thrilled with it. And, I made more yellow squigglies from the sleeves of the yellow sweater. I balled some of it, but I put the ends and bits in a blue pottery bowl and it's so pretty.

Life is good. Tonight may be not so good, but basically, everything is getting better. This, too, shall pass.

thanks for all the prayers and hugs.

Depression Snuck Up On Me

When I wasn't paying attention, depression snuck up on me. Yesterday (Thursday) I bottomed out with apathy, lethargy, crying, no appetite (something's really wrong with me when that happens), and anger. I wanted to not be. Being was painful - life hurt. And, no, nothing drastic has happened in my world. Everything seems to be flowing along smoothly, except me.

I do have cyclic depression that seems to occur regardless of the medication I take. My new psychiatrist started me on Lamictal during a recent bout of short term cycling. And, that helped.

I've felt this one creeping up on me. Several days ago, I said to my partner, "I feel like I'm getting sick." Well, I was right, only it wasn't a cold. It was depression.

While I know that many times, this depression cycles itself right back out the door it came in, I decided I had to "do" something to alleviate it. So, I got dressed and went to Weight Watchers - gained two pounds. No big deal. i lost two last week. So, I'm pretty stable.

Partner, friend and I decided something to eat might help me. We left the meeting and went next door. Before we got next door, I burst out crying. Partner put her arms around my shoulders while I cried. I sniveled a few more times, and we proceeded to eat. The food was okay - I usually love it, always order the same thing.

Called my therapist. She had a cancellation. Had to kill time. Went to thrift shop. Then went to the yarn shop where I work and helped the owner unpack and price an order that had just come in.

Therapist helped. We looked at what had been going on with me emotionally for the past few weeks (not involving the move) and various relationships I have and my anger, irritation, bafflement, resentment, ... you know, all those things you don't want to admit that you have but seem to come pouring out of your mouth when you feel in a safe place with a safe person. Brimming full of it and spilling over. Heard her say that maybe what I was feeling about others was really what I was feeling/seeing/believing about myself. Took a good look at self. Not pretty. Good looking hat, but the inside was rotting. Set another appointment soon.

Came home. Talked with partner about issues. We use the "talking ball" to help us through tough discussions. When I am holding the ball, I get to talk until I am through. Then I give the ball to her and she gets to talk until she is through. And, back and forth until we can leave the ball still between us and be silent or discuss solutions.

Made some very interesting discoveries. Like, what I thought she was thinking as not what she was thinking at all. Amazing. I couldn't read her mind. Nor could she read mine. Probably a good thing both ways. But, I really need to stop projecting what I think she is thinking or feeling and check it out with her - and vice versa.

Also discovered that we think differently. Some of the ideas I discussed were so foreign to her that she looked at me in bafflement. Like finding pleasure in things. For her "things" are mostly utilitarian. She finds pleasure in doing and in being with others. And, oh yes, did I mention that we both have control and abandonment issues? LOL

And, I am/was having problems with other relationships like my godchildren. I just don't want to talk with any of them any more. I can't resolve their problems, and I just don't want to hear about it right now. Later, much later. So, I play passive in the passive/aggressive game - no, I didn't get your message. I don't know where my cell phone is. When did you call? Oh, dear. That's a lie. I saw who was calling and hit the silent button because I just couldn't talk right then. And, later, I forgot or maybe I still didn't feel like talking.

And, I'm tired of putting away things. Fortunately, most of the boxes are gone and we can open all the outside doors but one. It still has empty boxes leaning against it. All the packing boxes and paper are going to be listed on FreeCycle next week. Gone to someone or to the recycling place.

And, if it ever gets warm enough, I'm going to the garage and put away the Christmas decorations...etc.

Okay. So last night I slept in exhaustion. I haven't done too much today - a few loads of laundry - have about four more to go what with the bedding and towels. Can't wash much with a king-size mattress pad.

So that's where I am. I still have little appetite. I've been knitting, and, so far this evening, I've knitted six rows and taken out nine or so. It's still not right; so I quit and came in here to gripe about it all.

The cat is whining, my stomach is churning. I feel like I want to throw up and get it all out of my system. Not just the food, but all the bad stuff inside me. Just throw up and flush it away. Gone. At least for a while.

And, yes, I talked with my psychiatrist today. She doesn't know me well because I don't trust her. So, that discussion was pointless but probably cost me money. Continuing on the same medication as before.

And, I feel like a paving roller has flattened me into the road. I want some loud music and driving. On the other hand, it's cold outside and I haven't bothered to dress today; so I'd have to work to make that happen. And, what would my driving be like? Probably not so safe.

Bleah! I know tomorrow will be better, but this is just blasted miserable right now. Like the two people in prison looking out the bars into the night sky; one saw the mud and the other the stars. I'm the one looking at the mud and bars right now. Just need to tilt my head up a bit. But, that will come. More than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning (Psalm 130).

What privileges are yours?

On Privilege

I found this interesting meme at Missy's Big Fish Stories. From What Privileges Do You Have?, based on an exercise about class and privilege developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate in this blog game, they ask that you PLEASE acknowledge their copyright.

Bold the true statements.

1. Father went to college.

2. Father finished college.

3. Mother went to college.

4. Mother finished college.

5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.

6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.

7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.

8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.

9. Were read children's books by a parent.

10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18.

11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18.

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.

13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.

14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs.

15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs.

16. Went to a private high school.

17. Went to summer camp.

18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18.

19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels.

20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18.

21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them.

22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.

23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.

24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home.

25. You had your own room as a child.

26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18.

27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course.

28. Had your own TV in your room in high school.

29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college.

30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16.

31. Went on a cruise with your family.

32. Went on more than one cruise with your family.

33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.

34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family.

What opportunities did you have growing up?

What's not included in this is privilege resulting from race, gender, sexual orientation, even wealth later in life. I came from a relatively poor background, but I have many privileges. The first one in the South, still today, is that I am white. The second is that I speak English and do it well. The third is that I have learned not to be submissive. The fourth is that I am "churched"; I have an automatic support system for most problems. The fifth is that I belong to a 12-step group; I have an automatic support system of people experienced in almost any problem I encounter. These are not only blessings but privileges not open to everyone. Churches reject. 12-step groups are not available everywhere at times when the people are in need...even though they try.

And, I can read, understand metaphor, look back at history and how we are relating the same manner or not, make financial judgments that aren't based on where the handouts are available.

Thanks, Missy. I know blessings and I know privileges, and I have both.

My "off" day

"Off" - well, I've always been off a little bit - sometimes more than others. But, today is a day without any plans. I am off from work, off from obligations, off from appointments, off from most responsibilities.

However, since the laundry is now stacked over my head, not only clothes, but mattress covers, towels, blankets, sheets, and lots of clothes, I think I'll do some laundry. I'll sort it in the guest room so that I don't have to finish it today. I think tomorrow is an "off" day as well. LOL

Grandchildren are undoubtedly a blessing, but I'm grateful today that I don't have any - no children either, just Godchildren, and they all seem to be busy with their own lives lately. I would be thinking up things for the grandchildren and I to do together if I had any. And, I don't want to think. I don't want to be busy and out and about. I just want to be home.

What a blessing it is to have a home. I've been concerned lately about our homeless folk. I saw two police cars stopped on the by-pass (now a limited access road through our town) with two people and a shopping cart. The cart was almost empty; the people were shivering. I was on the other side of the median and when I turned around they were all gone, including the shopping cart. Perhaps these two people were homeless and sheltering in the small patch of woods alongside the by-pass. Perhaps the police had merely cautioned them about fires after checking their IDs (and I hope they had them). I would like to think that the police offered them a ride to the nearest shelter and the protection from the cold that offered. I pray that they find a way "home".

Meme

Stolen from shannon

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car): Fluffy Prius
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (fave ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Vanilla Crocs
3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal): Red Panda
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born): Ann Clarksdale
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first three letters of your last name, first two of your first name): orema
6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Blue Coke
7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers): Mike Waymon
8. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Amber Joy
9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your fifth grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Eason Easton
10. SPY NAME (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Winter Pansy
11. CARTOON NAME (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Peaches Plaid
12. HIPPIE NAME (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Crunch Cottonwood

What an assortment - and I could live with almost any of them except maybe Peaches Plaid - but what a great name for a country character - and I coulda been one - notice that "coulda". None of you say that I am, okay.

And, Blue Coke is a bit beyond me. Let's see, how could we change that: Sky Coca? Storm .... nah, nothing sounds very good.

I believe that names are very important in our lives; they shape the person we become, and they can certainly affect us during our growing years. As a preteen, I switched to a nickname from my real name, and I kept it until I thought it would sound a bit funny for an ordained person. Of course, I never was ordained in a church; so that was a bust. Now people know me by both nickname and given name.

And, I shed my maiden name with marriage. I liked the way the new name sounded, and that's who I still am even though I was divorced and remarried. I did not take my second husband's name because everyone misspelled it and it didn't sound good. LOL What a reason. I had that name for almost 40 years now, and I still like it.

If I'd been named "Edna", I wouldn't have lived the same life or done the same things. Edna doesn't seem daring enough to me. Of course, with the life I've led, my name should be something like: Daring Sweet Dreamer. Or Changeling Wanderer. Or .... well, you get the idea. One of my friends always prefaces my name with "Sweet", and I objected to it for a long time. Now, I admit it. I'm soft hearted and, unless you catch me tired, hungry, late or angry, I wouldn't say anything that would hurt you intentionally. I can be vicious at bad times.

Titles, also, can change one's bent in life. Assistant instead of Associate, News Editor instead of Assistant Director, Executive Director, Assembler. And, what do you call the people who help you keep house - maid, housekeeper, cleaning people, helpers??? Titles can change your attitude towards people.

And, personally, I think that when we elect a President, we ought to be considering the spouse as well. Think of how influential Nancy Reagan was during the presidency, and Dolley Madison. Does Obama have a spouse? And, Hillary would be a fool, if elected, not to consider the experience of her husband.

Names. In the Bible, God let Adam name the creatures. In older times, the discoverer of something new got to name it. Now the naming is done by associations and committees. Parents decide on babies' names...along with input from everyone who knows them. Seems like in native american culture, the naming was suited to the youngster at an appropriate time - and that didn't always fit either. So, I'm all for choosing your own name and changing it whenever you wish.

Right now, I want to be Strong Wind or Agile Associate - considering that I'm headed for work and will be restocking yarn and stuff - up and down the step stool and ladder and kneeling on the floor.

Y'all have a great day - and if you're digging out of the snow, may your name be Strong Safety.

First Cable Stitch

Now you might not think this is such a big deal, but, let me tell you, I dreaded this process for a long time. Then today, I sat in on a class for learning how to cable stitch. While there, I did two cable stitches, but they were too close together for the scarf to be flat. So I ripped it all out and reknitted just past this first stitch. I am soooo pleased.

Coca-Cola

For Christmas a friend brought me a bottle of Coca-Cola, my favorite drink and logo, that was made in Mexico - made with real sugar, not high fructose corn syrup. Then I discovered that our local Mexican tienda has them. Now, I'm splurging and drinking about 3 per week.

I am so excited. The first few sips were soooo sweet, but then my taste memory kicked in and, "Oh, sweet bliss" - just like the original Coke recipe that I remember from many years ago.

It's like finding the original recipe for my spirituality. Sometimes, I have to go back to the basics, "Jesus loves me this I know". My Mom sang lots of good songs while we were growing up, and most of them were about the ubiquitous presence of God - with us, beside us, pulling for us, being our friend. When I move far from God, I sing some of those songs, and I feel myself being pulled in.

"Let the lower lights be burning, send a gleam across the wave. Some poor fainting, struggling sinner, you may rescue, you may save." And, I can see the lower light as well as the stars - and I have hope and faith and enthusiasm once again. It's my original recipe.

But, back to Coke. Then Friday, I stopped at Trash and Treasures and found a large basket full of Coke "stuff"...bought it, brought it home, unpacked it. Inside was a Coke can phone that works really well, four salad plates with the Coke logo in the middle, a couple of mugs with similar logo, two tiny little lunch boxes, a straw holder, a tin shaped like a Coke truck (the top of the truck cab also comes off), a huge Coke stein. What fun, what fun! Everything has found a home including that wonderful basket that held all of these goodies.

Why do we like such things as Coke logos? It's the real thing. That summarizes my feelings when I see the Coke logo, a created response. Even the right color red will trigger that feeling that the moment, the place, the time, is the real thing - the essence of my life. The wave is motion, and I've always been in motion. So, the Coke logo is, in some ways, a symbol of my life - vital color, flowing motion, excitement, tastes good, savory, peps me up.

And, now that I've had my high fructose, 8 ounce bottle of Coke and my spiritual reflection for the day, I think I'll get a shower and head off for a knitting class on making cable stitch.

May you find your logo!