Grief

You're a Ladybug!

Most people assume you're female upon seeing you, even though you
might very well be male. Don't let this gender-bending get you bent out of shape,
though... you just happen to exhibit the quiet dignity and soft demeanor that
people associate with the feminine side of things. Your favorite fruit is the
watermelon. For some reason, people think it's fun to sing about horrible things
happening to you and your family.


Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I don't even know how to begin this - the picture and the word "Ladybug" are key. My Mom's nickname was Ladybug - a nickname becoming more and more common in the South. My hair stylist calls me that, and each time I think she's talking to my mother.

Guess by now, friends, you've figured out that I'm a pretty sensitive person, and, while I'm crossing this road of life, I do look both ways - backward and forward - never mind that semi coming 'round the bend to the left. So, when I took this quiz, I was startled to find that I am a ladybug.

But, I don't want to be like my mom - but I do want to be like my mom. I feel the same way about the Bible - can I pick and choose which part I want? I want to have my Mom's ability to multi-task. She could play cards, smoke, drink coffee, and cook a full Southern dinner for six all at the same time. I do really well to walk and chew gum at the same time.

As I was knitting the other day, I was saying a particular thank you with each stitch - some were for people in my life (past and present), some for those who make life easier for us, those who grow our food, for physical things like air conditioning. Then I kept going in a stream of consciousness sort of way - one name leading to another - God bless Momma and Daddy and David. Tears began forming and I wiped them away with the sleeve of my t-shirt. So, I changed tactics.

My therapist told me that I should journal about my anxieties and fears - and not do it on a blog; so I thought, okay, I'll do it with each stitch, taking longer with the stitch if the fear, anger or anxiety merits longer. So, I began with being angry that I cannot function at all in the heat/humidity we've been having. I was anxious about having had so much company that I might not have been the proper hostess. I was anxious about my relationship with my partner (unfounded). I was fearful about the proposed renovations to our home (well founded, but premature). I hated myself for the mess in my study. And, I went on with more personal things that I won't put on the blog.

Finally, I got to a point where the tears were blurring my stitches; so I quit knitting and cried a while. Cleansing tears. Relief.

And, so much grief that has been crammed into the "hole inside of me" that I cried for a while, a long while, sniveling, bawling, various forms of crying as I thought about the losses and potential losses (see, I really am good at looking both forward and backward). You know, there's not a blessed or damned thing I can do about any of them. I can't change the losses that have happened, and I can't prevent those losses that are to come. People will die. People will be born.

And, speaking of that, my god-daughter is a grandmother - a girl, born yesterday. Healthy. Does that make me a great grand godmother? Fancy name for one twice removed. But, I suspect that she is a great grand god-daughter! Hooray for Layla Irene Kurland. May God's light be upon her now and always.

And, there you have it folks. Life! the grief, the joy.