“Holding on to your fear and the idea that you can control things.” I just heard my partner say that to someone on the phone, and I felt it all the way to the bottom of my gut. You’d think that after my acrobatic antics this morning I would have learned that I can not control things. “Trying to think your way into better living” – Ooooooh, she’s saying good things.
After the acrobatics, I don’t think I fear dying from this respiratory stuff anymore. I could easily have been killed or paralyzed this morning with my somersault. But, I wasn’t, and I don’t have any control over whether or not I die from a fall, from an auto accident, by a stroke or from a heart attack – or from this respiratory stuff. I may suffer for years; I may not.
My task for today is to keep doing the things that will make me healthier physically, and let the day flow forth. Make happy plans, call friends, pet the cats. And, laugh. Laughing is important – laughing with God at the silliness of our squabbles (I’m not talking about war and violence here, okay?), laughing at our own mistakes, laughing when we realize that we really can’t do something (then look for another way), laughing when we fail because we can try again, laughing at the ducks exploring the deck.
Add wonder to the mix. The ospreys’ nest is just across the way, and I marvel at their flight and their catching fish in our creek. My rose bushes came back after a very severe pruning this winter and are now in bloom with lots of bright red. The pinks and multi-colors come later. Waking up and seeing the iris blooming in the front yard. Feeling the drift of the current in the creek as I maneuver the jet ski.
I’m letting go of fear that doing something will make me feel worse. I’m taking it for granted that I will gradually get better. I’m letting go of the fear that I will lose the things that make me happy and realizing that the things that make me happiest, I cannot lose. Letting go of the fear that I will never fit into this new community because someday I will be well enough to make those extra friends that I need here.
I need to do more, think less – at least think less about me, think more about others, think more about flowers, think more about reading science stories and science fiction/fantasy stories.
On Nick Knisely’s blog, he talks about physics, about the fact that reality doesn’t exist – or something like that. And, he’s speaking in the most macro sense. Gravity still seems to work and we can use it in most ways, but reality and locality are physics that scientists are examining. On a macro level, the answer to the age-old question, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make any sound.” The macro answer is no. But, if you’re not watching the electron, it doesn’t exist.
Now, I think about reality and its relationship to better living. If I’m not living better, then no amount of thinking will do any good. I have to actually do it for it to happen. I have to look better living in the face and call it my own before it will happen. I can’t just imagine better living and expect it to happen.
So, here’s my motto for today: Give up fear, live better, and quit trying to control everything. Maybe that’s a motto for life.