Thursday, February 03, 2011

What I want

In my youth I was accused of wanting the impossible. In late middle age, I made the impossible happen.

Now I am 65, and what I want most is to be wanted, to have "your" approval, to be important to more than just one someone.

Like most seniors, I have experience in several fields - journalism (writing facts, editing, proofing), photography (first film then digital and computer manipulation), Episcopal church (I know the Episcopal Church), spirituality (everything from Ignation Discernment to Quaker silence to handfasting to mind bending with music or deprivation of sleep), non-profit social services (management, coordination, working with boards, grant writing - everything a small director has to do), lgbtq issues (been there and back again, several times), pain (physical from chronic disease, mental from trying to be whoever you wanted me to be), computer software and some hardware (keeping somewhat up to date - more than most people my age), .....

No one wants my skills now. People say, "Go volunteer." But, many volunteers do menial tasks, necessary but not using their skills or talents...just their presence. Sometimes that's all that God requires - my presence.

"People" say - Just enjoy yourself. Do what you want to do. After so many years of pleasing employers, mother, husbands, female partners, friends - I have little idea what I really want. I can tell what I want by making the mistake of choosing something I don't want. I traded my 5 year old Prius for a new Ford Escape. Then I realized I wanted a Prius; so I lost money to get a new Prius.

I moved to a place where I could have an active lifestyle. Chronic disease said, "No, that's not what you will do. You will long for this, but you will not be able to do it." How to change?

Again, as in youth, I do want the impossible. I want to be me. I hope that I can be me before I die and not the person I think "you" (whoever you are) want me to be. I've done the impossible before. Maybe God will help me do it again.


Saint Pat said...

Bless you, Sharecropper! Praying you will find peace and joy.

eileen said...

((((You))))) You are you, all these pieces and pleasings, are you. Gather up the pieces you like, push away those that don't serve your self love, and know that you are enough, and what you are is worth everything, because God made you and loves you just as you are.

I wish you peace.