Tuesday, June 26, 2007

My spirit tells me that it's way past time to blog seriously again, but my mind is balking at organizing conversations, feelings and prayers. It's just possible that I've been thinking I'm God again. It's also possible that I'm a caring friend. It's entirely likely that I eat to help me ignore "the hole in me" and I also shop for the same reason. Recently, my partner and I had a conversation about how much stuff was appearing in the house - stuff like more towels than we have places to put, more dish towels than a household of 40 could use, more glasses than we could break in 10 years (and some of them polycarbonate, so they will never break, ha, ha). So, this week at a thrift shop I bought another set of glasses - to replace those that get cloudy from the dishwasher - only they don't do that so much any longer with the new dishwashers and the new detergents. But, I did clear out the blue kitchen towels - well, I moved them, actually, I hid them. I can't bear to throw them away...even though I may never use them again. And, I rearranged the linen closet so that I could get my favorite new towels in there.

And, I ate. We had two friends visiting - and we ate lots of good seafood. But, I couldn't stop there. One day, I ate hushpuppies at lunch - about 8 of them. That night I ate a couple more. And, I figured since I had blown it already, I might as well have dessert - in Weight Watchers that day cost me 54 points (24 daily allowance, 30 from my weekly bonus points). But the worst part is that I can't seem to quit eating now. I've gone over my points three more days this week, and I've used 9.5 more bonus points than I had to use. And, I just had a wonderful meal with fresh squash and onions and fresh green beans, and a little eye of round steak. Then I ate a peach. Then I found some old chocolate and threw it out, but I also found some that wouldn't last much longer - so I ate it. I'm fully up to my daily point allowance, and I hope bedtime is soon or I'll eat again.

My therapist and I talked about "the hole in me" today. She said everyone who was susceptible to addictions had this hole - well, maybe she didn't say it quite that way, but that's what I heard. I'm a food addict. It stops the pain, though I'm not sure what pain I'm having right now. Maybe it would stop the pain if I had pain, but I'm not taking any chances on pain; so I'll eat now and worry about the pain later? I don't know. What I do know is that after a couple of days off the system, I'm having a very difficult time getting back into good eating habits. We weigh in on Thursday. Maybe I'll try to do some treadmill tomorrow. Of course, I've been saying that since Sunday, and I'm still sitting at this desk.

And, you can probably tell that I'm not writing and editing this baby; I'm typing directly into the dashboard. What an image! Here I am barrelling down the highway of food and spending. But, I'm watching the dashboard and I can't seem to slow down in spite of knowing that I need to do so. Bleah!

Other than that (remember the joke: "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?") - Other than that, I am doing extremely well. Went for a wonderful jet ski ride this morning, sneaked up close to an osprey nest and was promptly reprimanded by its occupants. Then, it got hot and humid. So, I've been in the ac for a while. Therapist, grocery store where I bought lots of healthy produce and lean meat. I also bought chicken brats - so good, so bad for my stomach, but not too many points.

So, here I am, better go take my meds and put the clothes in the dryer. Y'all have a good night, you hear. Love, sharecropper


Cynthia said...

And you're out and about! Been living your life, not unable to step outdoors.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Within the past six months you've overcome a huge hurdle and a scary one at that. You don't have to do everything all at once but "one step I may see...God's eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me."

Don't be so hard on yourself but don't let up either. It's a fine line to walk but with God's help it can be done.

Heaping helpings of hope and courage to you. And peace.

Anonymous said...


I have the hole too. I try to fill it too.

I dunno why either.

June Butler said...

Share Cropper, you have not lost your sense of humor. That is a very good thing. You made me smile in the midst of your tale of woe. Smile with you, I hope.

Plus, there's always tomorrow. God bless you,my friend.