Friday, January 25, 2008

Depression Snuck Up On Me

When I wasn't paying attention, depression snuck up on me. Yesterday (Thursday) I bottomed out with apathy, lethargy, crying, no appetite (something's really wrong with me when that happens), and anger. I wanted to not be. Being was painful - life hurt. And, no, nothing drastic has happened in my world. Everything seems to be flowing along smoothly, except me.

I do have cyclic depression that seems to occur regardless of the medication I take. My new psychiatrist started me on Lamictal during a recent bout of short term cycling. And, that helped.

I've felt this one creeping up on me. Several days ago, I said to my partner, "I feel like I'm getting sick." Well, I was right, only it wasn't a cold. It was depression.

While I know that many times, this depression cycles itself right back out the door it came in, I decided I had to "do" something to alleviate it. So, I got dressed and went to Weight Watchers - gained two pounds. No big deal. i lost two last week. So, I'm pretty stable.

Partner, friend and I decided something to eat might help me. We left the meeting and went next door. Before we got next door, I burst out crying. Partner put her arms around my shoulders while I cried. I sniveled a few more times, and we proceeded to eat. The food was okay - I usually love it, always order the same thing.

Called my therapist. She had a cancellation. Had to kill time. Went to thrift shop. Then went to the yarn shop where I work and helped the owner unpack and price an order that had just come in.

Therapist helped. We looked at what had been going on with me emotionally for the past few weeks (not involving the move) and various relationships I have and my anger, irritation, bafflement, resentment, ... you know, all those things you don't want to admit that you have but seem to come pouring out of your mouth when you feel in a safe place with a safe person. Brimming full of it and spilling over. Heard her say that maybe what I was feeling about others was really what I was feeling/seeing/believing about myself. Took a good look at self. Not pretty. Good looking hat, but the inside was rotting. Set another appointment soon.

Came home. Talked with partner about issues. We use the "talking ball" to help us through tough discussions. When I am holding the ball, I get to talk until I am through. Then I give the ball to her and she gets to talk until she is through. And, back and forth until we can leave the ball still between us and be silent or discuss solutions.

Made some very interesting discoveries. Like, what I thought she was thinking as not what she was thinking at all. Amazing. I couldn't read her mind. Nor could she read mine. Probably a good thing both ways. But, I really need to stop projecting what I think she is thinking or feeling and check it out with her - and vice versa.

Also discovered that we think differently. Some of the ideas I discussed were so foreign to her that she looked at me in bafflement. Like finding pleasure in things. For her "things" are mostly utilitarian. She finds pleasure in doing and in being with others. And, oh yes, did I mention that we both have control and abandonment issues? LOL

And, I am/was having problems with other relationships like my godchildren. I just don't want to talk with any of them any more. I can't resolve their problems, and I just don't want to hear about it right now. Later, much later. So, I play passive in the passive/aggressive game - no, I didn't get your message. I don't know where my cell phone is. When did you call? Oh, dear. That's a lie. I saw who was calling and hit the silent button because I just couldn't talk right then. And, later, I forgot or maybe I still didn't feel like talking.

And, I'm tired of putting away things. Fortunately, most of the boxes are gone and we can open all the outside doors but one. It still has empty boxes leaning against it. All the packing boxes and paper are going to be listed on FreeCycle next week. Gone to someone or to the recycling place.

And, if it ever gets warm enough, I'm going to the garage and put away the Christmas decorations...etc.

Okay. So last night I slept in exhaustion. I haven't done too much today - a few loads of laundry - have about four more to go what with the bedding and towels. Can't wash much with a king-size mattress pad.

So that's where I am. I still have little appetite. I've been knitting, and, so far this evening, I've knitted six rows and taken out nine or so. It's still not right; so I quit and came in here to gripe about it all.

The cat is whining, my stomach is churning. I feel like I want to throw up and get it all out of my system. Not just the food, but all the bad stuff inside me. Just throw up and flush it away. Gone. At least for a while.

And, yes, I talked with my psychiatrist today. She doesn't know me well because I don't trust her. So, that discussion was pointless but probably cost me money. Continuing on the same medication as before.

And, I feel like a paving roller has flattened me into the road. I want some loud music and driving. On the other hand, it's cold outside and I haven't bothered to dress today; so I'd have to work to make that happen. And, what would my driving be like? Probably not so safe.

Bleah! I know tomorrow will be better, but this is just blasted miserable right now. Like the two people in prison looking out the bars into the night sky; one saw the mud and the other the stars. I'm the one looking at the mud and bars right now. Just need to tilt my head up a bit. But, that will come. More than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning (Psalm 130).


Nina said...


Remember, as you said: depressions end. May this one end soon!

Cathy said...

Praying for you....

klady said...

Me, too. I don't know what is worse about the Depression Beast -- the depths it takes us or the fact that it is so sneaky, suddenly striking out of nowhere -- sometimes, at least with me, when I think I'm doing fair-to-middling "just fine, thank you very much!" and then the crash of tears, anger, and self-awareness comes. So sorry you've been stricken this way.

Please take good care of yourself. May the dark clouds lift soon.

Janis Bland said...


Klady said it well -- depression is a sneaky bastard. Just when I think things are going good, WHAM.

My prayers are with you.


Rory said...


So sorry to hear the big black dog sneaked up on you. i'm familiar with that, too.

Adding my prayers for you to the others.

sharecropper said...

Partner and I talked long again today. We think my ambient anxiety may have something to do with this. Have not been taking that medicine because, with all the others lately, it makes me sleepy and incoherent and useless. So, I just haven't been taking it. Gotta figure out this medicine stuff.

Anyone ever been to a really good diagnostic clinic - not just for mental/emotional problems. I need some place that will look at all the health issues I'm having.

shallotpeel said...

Hey, babe, it attacked me, too, although earlier in the week. Hope you surface soon. Glad you're having good talks. Maybe you could look at learning some tools for handling generalized anxiety that have nothing to do with cause, just ways to walk through the fire or walk off the adrenalin, or breathe through, ... or whatever set of tools could be tried, until one set worked. Hard to give up control & let whatever is going to happen, just happen. Scary.

Anyway, you are loved.

Lindy said...

I am glad you are taking care of yourself. Depression is serious... you know that.

I am sorry you have to go through this. May it be over soon.


PS - That IS a nice hat. I am glad you posted another photo of yourself.

Cecilia said...

Praying for you, (((Sharecropper))).

Pax, C.